Saturday, December 29, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

Normally, I try not to make a list of resolutions, because I know I will only be disappointed that I didn't do any of them in the end. But this year is different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, or put it into words, but I feel that these resolutions are not only possible, but also very plausible in the scheme of my life. Here they are, so you can hold me to them:

1) Be living somewhere aside from New Jersey by December 2013.  - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't want to be here. Whether it be abroad, San Diego, or NYC, I just want to be out of Jersey, for good.

2) Drink more coffee and less flavored drinks. - Now, this one needs some background to it. I am addicted to lattes. When I say this, I am not kidding. I drink an average of 2 a day, and spend over $50 a week at Starbucks alone. This has become a huge problem for me, so instead of going cold-turkey off of caffeine, I plan on downgrading to plain coffee, one sugar, and milk, rather than the Pumpkin Spice Latte or Caramel Brulee Latte that I drink every day. I wasn't kidding about being addicted. Not only will I be saving money, but I will be saving calories that can be used for other yummy things instead!

3) Reach out to people more often. - If you know me if real life, you know that I am a super sentimental person. This resolution is not for my friends, but for the people who I have had friendships with in the past, who are no longer considered friends, or for strangers. Listening to a random person share a story is a beautiful consequence of being surrounded by people you don't know. I want to hear everybody's stories. I want to reach out to old friends and let them know how much they have meant to me in life. I just want people to know how appreciated they are.

4) Start running again. - This has absolutely nothing to do with "looking good" and everything to do with "feeling good." I used to be in good shape, nothing major, but I was able to climb stairs without having to catch my breath at the top. Now, if I'm carrying books or if I have my backpack on, by the time I get to the top of the stairs, I'm huffing and puffing. I hate that feeling, and so I will resolve it.

5) Say what I mean. - I won't say yes if the intention isn't there, and I won't say no, just because I'm scared. I won't nitpick just to have something to say. I think this one will be the hardest, not only because I like to talk a lot, but I'm also somewhat of a people-pleaser.

6) Finish what I start. - This means the current B.S. in Biology that I started as a second degree, even though it is basically just a cover for some Pre-Med classes. This means finishing my DONA paperwork. I hate paperwork. This means actually working on my novel, instead of just letting the ideas for it sit in my head, too afraid of criticism to be put onto the page.

7) Make life simpler for myself. - I need to throw out or donate more clothing. I donated 8 bags (EIGHT!!) full of clothing over the summer, and I still take up two closets. This means going through paperwork I've had for years, and releasing it to the trash gods. This means de-friending mass amounts of people on facebook. This means making a schedule (especially for sleep), and sticking to it. This means not participating in gossip, not complaining, and overall not opening my mouth when it shouldn't be open. Let's see how this one works out for me, because I am the queen of complex.

8) Be less anxious. - This will be really hard to do, because I have an anxiety disorder (yay GAD!), but I drive myself nuts sometimes just thinking, thinking, thinking. I am going to sincerely try meditating daily. I've heard that it can work wonders, especially the better you get at it.

and last but not least (since nine is my favorite number)...

9) Write more. - I've obviously written a lot this month because I have time, and because the end of the year always happens to bring more inspiration. But I need to be proactive in finding inspiration. I need to not worry what people are going to say about what I've said. I need to practice my writing, so that I don't lose the skills I've built up through years and years and years of writing. I need to sit and practice, rather than wait for inspiration to strike. Writing is like breathing for me, but I need to do more of it, especially the deep stuff.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Friendship & Love

There was a Thought Catalog article posted recently about being able to tell when somebody really loves you. Reading this, of course, had me thinking about all of the things people have done over the years that show a true love within the friendship or relationship. To name a few:
- Rearranging her schedule to accompany me to a doctor's appointment that I was absolutely terrified of going into
- Flying across an ocean to see me
- Answering a tearful phone or Skype call, and speaking for over an hour
- Holding my hair back when alcohol got the best of me
- Sharing Netflix, beer, and a sleeping area with me
- Comforting me when I walk into work crying
- Showing me that bikini waxes don't hurt as much as I actually thought they did, by letting me be in the room with her during hers
- Cuddling with me, even when there was unfinished homework
- Messaging me, despite a nearly 5,000 mile physical distance between us
- Holding my hand during one of the hardest periods in my life I had to go through
- Encouraging me to pursue my dreams, even if it means being away and partially out of contact for stretches of time
- Noticing the little things that I say or do that mean that I am not okay

So what do all of these things have to do with traveling?

In a sense, these are the things that both compel me forward and hold me back. They hold me back and keep me here, because who wants to give up something this amazing? I have wonderful friends who love me for who I am, and how do I know they will still be here when I get back from traveling? Also because of these things. Because anybody who shows this much love, this much feeling towards someone, doesn't just let them fall out of their life. They may drift, but they wait patiently for the moment when the person may need them again.

All of the people described above are all special to me. They enrich my life. And some of them, I've gone for months without talking to, and still consider them a best friend, because of what we share.

Friendship and love are not about how much you see somebody, but about the feeling between you two. It's an unspoken, almost indescribable feeling of fullness between two people. Fullness that overflows into the space between you, whether it be a centimeter or one hundred thousands miles. Fullness that sits in silence, content to just exist. Fullness that envelops the unkind words spoken in anger, and shatters them. Fullness in the knowledge that, though the space may be empty, the love still exists.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Frustration

Whelp, this week has been one giant ball of frustration. I did poorly on my Biology test which means I will need a perfect score on the Final Exam to get an A in the class. I deactivated my facebook in a way, by handing over all of my log-in information to my brother, so I cannot access it until after December 17th, which happens to be the day of ALL of my finals. And I just had to re-do the Peace Corps application. Right now, I am slightly angry, but mostly just frustrated.

I can't give up on my dream. I refuse to.

Speaking of dreams, in a more literal sense, I had a dream last night that I got my Peace Corps Invitation, and it was for South Korea. That doesn't even make sense. Ha!

I wrote a blog entry last week but I didn't want to post it immediately after I had posted my last one, so I will probably put it up tomorrow.

Have a Happy Friday!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Decisions

I've now made a relatively rough sketch of the next year:
- Jan-May: Take Gen Bio II, Gen Chem II, Gen Physics II, and Calculus, and try not to lose all motivation in the process.
- Mid-May (roughly): Trip to LA to see 1) my beautiful grand-little graduate and 2) everything and everyone that I miss and love more than they probably know.
- June-Aug: Take O.Chem I & II (oh, yes, over the summer. It will be loads of fun.)
- Aug or Sept (depending on the next part of this): Take the MCAT

So that's how life will be for the next 2/3 of a year, and then it can go one of two ways:
Plan A) Peace Corps will, at some point in the next few months, send me an invite to leave any time after mid-August.
Plan B) Peace Corps will decide that I am unable to serve for whatever reason that may come up. If this happens, I will be moving out of NJ, probably around December of 2013. I have a few ideas of where I'd like to go, but I know I need to get out of this state. Where I would like to move, in preferential order: 1) San Diego, 2) Los Angeles, 3) Anywhere else in California, 4) New York City, 5) Washington DC, & 6) Boston.

It is really starting to sink in that I may not get an invitation. This is something that I have struggled with over the past 2 years, as I have shown in this blog. As of this very moment in time, I am okay with that. It is hard to say goodbye to a dream, and reality can be harsh, but I won't let it get me down, especially considering that Peace Corps is opening up positions for Doctors in the future (sort of like Doctors Without Borders), which means I might be able to make this dream come true somewhere down the line. And there are a few alternatives, since, as I've stated before, I'd like some more "real world" experience before embarking on that long and arduous journey known as Medical School. I'm considering some AmeriCorps programs that are focused on health, as well as the Global Health Corps. If any of you readers know of any good programs, please let me know in the comments.

...

I want to explain why I want to leave New Jersey, if only in a short, and probably unsatisfying, way: NJ, to me, equals a stifling set of rules that I cannot adhere to. This is a purely psychological thing on my part. I grew up here. I was awkward and unhappy here. In all honesty, NJ represents my old self in a sense, where Los Angeles and Galway and Babati represent a new self. It's hard to explain if you haven't known me for more than around 4 years. With the traveling and exploring and growing that I have done, even in the past 2 years, something has clicked that I cannot quite put my finger on.

I don't know if it was a full sense of self-love, or the knowledge that I can do almost anything if I try hard enough, or the blossoming of my self-confidence, or the independence I hold onto with dear life, or maybe a little bit of all of this, but something has changed me for the better.

And being in NJ makes me feel like I am taking 9 steps backwards. This isn't where I belong.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm Not Quite Sure

Right now, I'm not quite sure why I am writing, or what I am doing, but all I know is I'm having this intense need to express to all of those who choose to read this...

At this point in my life, there are few things I am sure about, and even those could change. I am sure I want to get an MD. This is, in fact, the only true thing I am 100% sure about at the moment. It's been a long and strange path to that conclusion, but it's like I've been both attracted and repelled by the idea for years, without fully realizing it. I had such a calm come over me when I made the decision, that it was actually pretty scary.

I'm 90% sure that I want to have a child or children in the future. I posted about this on my facebook a few weeks ago, but I know that if I want to become a parent, I want to do it in a way that I feel is "right," and as an MD, I'm not sure I could devote the time and attention that a child needs or that I would like to give to a child, which is why I am not 100% sure.

I'm 75% sure that I want to spend a large portion of the next 10 or 20 years traveling. This really needs no explanation, except for maybe why it is as low as 75%, but that can be explained by my post about living in a small town, really.

I still want to spend some significant time working abroad before I go to Medical School, and not just to stand out as an applicant, but also to get some real world, on-the-ground experience with issues surrounding Global Health. Right now, I'm hoping that my Peace Corps nomination in "Health Education" holds up, and they send me somewhere where I can not only teach, but also help out in clinics in whatever way possible. I have, however, looked into alternatives to the Peace Corps that won't cost me my life savings. The Global Health Corps is starting to look like a really good option if the Peace Corps decides that I am not fit for service.

...

I constantly feel like I am doing too much, but not enough. I know that this is a strange phenomenon, but I know that it is not unique to me. In fact, I know a lot of people that feel this way.

I volunteer whenever I can. I do my schoolwork. I work two jobs. And it still feels like there is something I am forgetting to do, which I can never really find. It's a strange but interesting feeling.

...

I live in a part of the country that was affected by Hurricane Sandy. People are both amazing and terrible, all at the same time. I have known this for a long time, but it still gives me pause.

...

This has just become a collection of thoughts. Have a good weekend.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Partial News

Having sort-of gone through the previous Medical process, I can honestly say that the new way of going about clearance is much easier.

One more document to submit before they can decide on whether or not they want to declare Medical Pre-Clearance for me. I am making a pact to myself that if I am deferred again for longer than 6 months, or if I am denied, I am not going to continue to pursue this. It is a dream, but one that can be fulfilled after Medical School. I have poured my heart and soul into this application process, and I don't think that I have enough left to spare to give it a go again. If I get deferred or denied, I have to accept it and move on; to me, this is maturity.

Let's hope I don't get deferred or denied!

Friday, September 7, 2012

My Peace Corps Application Saga

Yesterday, I was going to write a long post detailing all the things that really suck about the Peace Corps application process I have been going through. However, my process has been just too complicated for words, so I'm just going to let the emails (and summary of phone calls) speak for themselves. Because it is as hilarious as it is frustrating.

(My comments are in black, my emails are in italics, Pre-Service Nurse in blue, Placement in purple)

Disclaimer before I begin: I'm not trying to say or prove anything with this post. Trust me, my process has been a very atypical application process. Don't let it scare you away from joining!

---------
From: Me
To: Pre-Service Nurse email (from here on in, abbreviated PSN)
Date: August 15, 2012
Time: 3:20pm

Hello!


I know that you are busy, but I was told if I didn't hear by the middle of the August to email somebody. I started Medical with the "Mental Health" paperwork, but I never sent in the forms to get my deferral lifted (I haven't had the money to go to a therapist yet). I have to do the Medical portion, but I haven't gotten my portal log in yet. I don't know if this is enough information for you, or who I should talk to about this.
Have a good day.


---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 16, 2012
Time: 6:48pm


Dear Mary,
Since your deferral is still in place, you will likely need to restart the whole application process with a recruiter. I will check this information with our placement department, but I believe that they will only migrate over recruiting files for applicants that have previously completed a physical exam or are now able to clear the deferral condition.
Thank you.

---------
From: Me
To: PSN
Date: August 17, 2012
Time: 7:12pm

Hello!

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure I understand. I am able to clear my deferral, and it was supposed to be lifted in June. I just can't afford to do the clearance until next month. Does that mean I have to restart the entire process all over again?

Thanks.

---------

After this, there was a bit of silence, so on August 21st, I called the Pre-Service Nurse to ask if they had received my email, and left a message because nobody picked up. What I asked above is basically what I asked in the voice mail, mentioning that I had already emailed but hadn't heard back. 

---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 22, 2012
Time: 8:37pm

Hi Mary,
We are working with Placement to see if they will maneuver you into the new system. Hopefully you will receive some email communication from the new systems soon.
Thank you.

---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 29, 2012
Time: 11:54am

Dear Mary,
The placement office was planning to get in touch with you about your file and what you will need to do at this point to re-apply. If you have not heard from them you can contact 202-XXX-XXXX.
Thank you.

---------

So I called Placement on Friday, August 31 during my break at work, and talked to an amazing woman at the Health Placement desk who was trying to figure out what I was talking about. She said she'd email me back. When I hadn't heard by the next Wednesday (September 5th), I called again, and talked to the same woman. She told me all I needed was a reference number and to email certain people. Since this was a my-health-related thing, I wanted to double check with the Pre-Service Nurse. 

---------
From: Me
To: PSN
Date: September 5, 2012
Time: 4:23pm

Hello!

I called Placement Friday, and again today, and spoke with them. They said that they sent over a question to you guys, and they didn't really know what I was talking about within the new system. They told me to email xxxxxxxx@peacecorps.gov so that I could gain access to the new system to fill out my Health History form. This is all correct, right? I only have to fill out my new form, or will I have to restart the application over again?

Thanks.

---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: September 6, 2012
Time: 11:56pm

Dear Mary,
One of the placement supervisors had reviewed your file and was going to contact you to let you know that you needed to restart an application with a recruiter, because your file had expired. I have contacted placement again (the supervisor who was to handle this has since left Peace Corps) and they will hopefully be in touch with you by the end of the week. The  instruction to contact xxxxxxxx was not accurate. The transition to the new system has been chaotic for everyone, so please bear with us as we work out the requirements for your case.
Thank you.

---------

After this, I got in the shower and cried. Then I proceeded to be unable to sleep (this has been my dream since 5th grade), so I created a new account and managed to finish the entire application in just under 3 hours. It helped that my essays were already written. 

So I was content until I received the following email today. 

---------
From: Health Placement Desk
To: Me
Date: September 6,  2012
Time: 12:00pm

Hi Mary,

It was a pleasure speaking with you yesterday.  You should be receiving two emails shortly – one from me, with a candidate reference number, and another from the health portal.  You will use the candidate reference number to complete the Health History Form. 

We can also see that you began a new online profile;  you do not need to work with that profile further, just follow the instructions in the emails you receive today.

Best,
[Placement Officer's Name]

---------

Then I proceeded to almost completely fill out the Health History Questionnaire, while simultaneously kicking myself for staying up late (when I had an early lab) to fill out the application form. Patience and I don't get along too well. 

+++++++++

And that has been my saga for the past month. Really, you can't make this kind of stuff up! Ups and downs and all sorts of emotional nonsense.

Anyway, for those who are unaware, the Peace Corps changed over their entire application system in early July, and they have been trying to work out the kinks. I don't fault them; I totally understand how hard it can be to use a new system when you've been using a different one, especially when it concerns technology. It's just been really frustrating. Ha!

But now, life is about to get better. I also have so much amazing fun stuff to write about, including a post or two about International friends who have come to visit!

Hope your week has been less stressful than mine!

Monday, August 6, 2012

On Not Being Heterosexual While Traveling

I spent the last full week of July volunteering at the 19th International AIDS Conference in Washington DC. It was beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and eye-opening in ways I cannot even begin to express. There were over 21,000 people there from over 150 countries, each representing their interests in the fight against HIV/AIDS, and all of the aspects that come with that fight: from social/political issues like equality among the sexes, legalization of sex work, protecting non-heterosexual and non-cis-gendered folks, and working with, and sometimes around, religion, to scientific issues like informed consent in trials, testing more HIV drugs on women, whether circumcision truly is the answer, and what it would take for the world to rally around a cure. It gave me a lot to think about.

One of the biggest things I have mused over since the conference ended is the role of lifestyle in the quality of care. As a doula, I have witnessed first-hand the differences in care somebody on Medicaid receives as opposed to the quality of care somebody on private insurance receives. As somebody who does HIV outreach, I have heard stories of people refused medication because the pharmacists don't "agree with the lifestyle choice." As someone who follows feminist blogs closely, I have read a few stories of people refused care because they are transgendered. As someone who aspires to be a doctor, I find all of these situations unacceptable.

All of this thought has led me to think: What are some of the reasons I may be refused care? I carry white privilege with me wherever I go, as I could probably not get any more "white," with my light-colored hair and blue eyes. I'm college-educated, so I carry "proper" grammar and vocabulary on my side. I am able-bodied. I am young. The only two things I can think of that may impact my care in a bad way are the fact that I am a woman and the fact that I am not heterosexual.

Women, in all seriousness, have been given the short of the stick when it comes to medicine, up until almost recently, although some may argue that this continues through practices today. I don't want to elaborate much on this, because there is already a lot of literature about this, much better written and explained than I am capable of. If you want to do some research, a great place to start is with how the word "hysteria" came to be.

I am not heterosexual. Granted, I can pass as straight, but I truly am not. I am bisexual, for those who are only familiar with the terms "straight, gay, and bi," but I really consider myself pansexual. Ten points to Ravenclaw if you know what that means! All joking aside though, in some countries, just being yourself has dire consequences. Consider what it may be like to be a gay man in a country know for it's machismo or in a country where it is considered illegal to be gay, and your neighbors believe you better off dead than a lesbian. Consider what it may be like to know that if you "come out" to your family or closest friend, you may risk stoning or dishonor.

I spoke to a few people who were manning gay rights booths in the "open to the public" portion of the Conference. It seemed as though they were happy to be able to be out and proud about it, and to offer a support system to others that wish to be out as well, but they also spoke about how it could be somewhat dangerous to be out, which is why the support systems existed in the first place.

In some countries, being out can be a blast, and a great experiment in what you could expect upon returning home. In other countries, being out could mean repeated rapes (meant to "turn you straight") or death upon discovery. Even in the United States, people are beaten or shot for not being straight. And this is not just in our distant Matthew Shepard history. Just last month, two young lesbians were shot and left for dead.

The Peace Corps even has a special panel that you can watch online or go to live on what the experience is like being LGBTQI abroad. It's difficult to go from relative safety in expressing who you are to basically walking back into the closet for a long period time, but sometimes, to live your dreams, it has to be done. Just as all of the soldiers who hid during the time of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and long before then. Just ask the women and men in the USA who lost their jobs in the early 1900s because they didn't quite fit the right mold.

It's hard to be strong when your strength may mean your death.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Modern Conveniences While Traveling

I am currently typing this blog entry from a bus somewhere between Newark, NJ and Washington DC. The bus has WiFi, which is awesome, although not totally necessary. 

For my trip to Washington DC for the next week, I have packed my laptop, nook, iPod, camera, and cell phone, along with all of their chargers. For some people, including me, this feels totally necessary. A cell phone is a must, really, but other than that, all of these electronics are not really needed. The camera is great to make memories, and show them to people, but I could always use my words. My laptop and iPod are just entertainment devices, although the laptop comes in handy to communicate thoughts, like right now. The nook (it's a Simple Touch) is basically just a bunch of books; it doesn't do anything fancy. 

There are so many people on the bus with their electronics: headphones plugged in, existing in their own little world. Are we that scared to make contact with another person? Are we that scared to be alone with our own thoughts?

Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I'd estimate (conservatively) that you could go travel to about 75% of the countries on Earth, and be able to use/charge these items. There really is no more "roughing it," unless it is self-imposed. 

I'm hoping that when I eventually do get into/leave for the Peace Corps, when I get assigned to my site, it is pretty out of the way. Not in a romanticized way, but just because I would love to be able to experience life without all of these technologies, and I know that it would be hard for me, and I welcome the challenge. We'll see how that goes...

When I was in Tanzania for the two months I was there, I was laptop-less and it was glorious, in a really awesome, freeing way. Now, I'm constantly worried about missing an email or a facebook message and therefore missing something important. I feel so tied to technology. Does anybody else feel that way?

So these are just some thoughts on a bus at 9:30am, when I've only gotten about an hour of sleep. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Rationalizing Violence

A few nights ago, I was at a pool party. Among the guests at this party were two Irish guys. As we were playing around in the water, they both got a little rough. I was poking fun at some of the Irish slang terms, when one of the guys lunged at me and started "play" choking me, except it didn't feel like he was kidding, and I was terrified for a split second. The other guy kept flipping me upside down and holding me in the water for a few seconds, which I also found completely terrifying.
Writing those instances out makes those events seem worse than what I can only assume both guys meant them to be, which is playful. I'm not going to hold this against them, because I never seriously said anything along the lines of "I don't like that, please don't do that," to them. There were a few playful "no, stop"s along the way, but I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid of ruining the atmosphere.

I like to put up this "front" that I am strong, and that I will stand up for myself, no matter what the social costs. To a certain extent, this is true, but when I am in an unfamiliar setting or I don't want to offend people, usually I will just keep quiet. This has the potential to result in dangerous situations.


When I am in an unfamiliar situation, I will more often than not err on the side of "not offending people" than on the side of "okay, that person needs to stop what they are doing, it is making me uncomfortable." When somebody says something to me that I find creepy or uncalled for, I will usually try to think of ways in which they didn't mean it that way, and convince myself I am being over sensitive. Honestly, I'm pretty hard on myself about this sometimes.

I rationalize the uncomfortable comments and the invasion of personal space, mostly because that is what I have internalized. Women have to be small, they don't take up space, and they just have to live with comments made to them, because they are being too sensitive. I'm trying not to make this into a full-on feminist rant; I'm trying to pull back from that and focus on this rationalization of violence and discomfort when traveling.

Sometimes, when we are in a different country, we have to follow the rules of the culture that is popular. For instance, when I was in Tanzania, we had to cover our knees. I'm fine with that. People proposing marriage? I'm cool with that, just don't get into my personal space. Dancing with me, even though I have repeatedly said no? Not okay, in the slightest. But how do you set up these boundaries when you aren't even fluent in the local language? When you aren't sure of the proper social etiquette? Why did I have to leave the dance floor to get away from a guy? I was minding my own business.

I read a post on Facebook (linked from Tumblr) from a young woman studying abroad in France about all of these men who had cat-called her and threatened violence against her, just because she was a woman. At what point do you stop saying "Oh, it's just the culture" and start saying "Oh, misogyny is rampant, I need to combat this the best that I can, and stick up for myself"? Does that line cross personal boundaries? Should we even have to be asking this question?

That's not to say that these things don't happen at home too, and with other Americans. For instance, a few months ago I was at a party when a guy who I didn't know sat squished next to me. Now, I had been sitting there, kind of in my own little world of thought. Well, as soon as he sat down, he put his arm around me and started playing with my hair. I was not okay with this, and asked him to stop, three times, but he didn't, so I slapped him, at which point he laughed and continued. So I punched him. And he laughed again. I ended up having to get up to move away from him, even though I had not been doing anything and he was the one in my space.

As I told this story to my friends, I was rationalizing his behavior: "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't know better." "Could it have been the length of my dress? It was pretty short." "Maybe he was just trying to be funny."

No. None of the above. And this is where I want to tie this in with my post about rape: this is why it took so long for me to even call it that. I was rationalizing. "I should not have let myself be alone with him." "He probably didn't hear me when I said no." "He probably didn't notice how scared I was; I did cover my face at one point." "He had been drinking."

No. No, no, no. None of these are valid excuses. None of these make sense. None of these should've occurred to me... I did not make the choice to rape myself, just as much as somebody who has been the victim of a stabbing made the choice to have the knife plunged into them.

Anybody who has been a victim of a (violent) crime should not have to sit there and rationalize through what happened to them. Yes, unfortunate things happen. Yes, sometimes unfortunate things happen while you are traveling. Being in a different country is not a good enough reason for a crime to have happened. This things happen everywhere.

We don't have to rationalize violence. We shouldn't.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I Want to Write, But I Have Nothing to Say

I want to update everybody, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I will probably add another entry or two having to do with my last post, and the response to it, but as of right now, I just feel stuck. I know that this is a recurring theme on my blog at this point, but it is true.

The sad thing is, I know myself. I know how I react to certain things. If I think I am going to be rejected from something, I will either not even try to get into it, or I will reject it before it has the chance to reject me. Granted, I have been working on this for a couple of years now, and have been more than willing to apply to places and programs that are not a sure thing, but now, I can feel myself pushing away from the Peace Corps.

On the one hand, I want this with every fiber of my being. I have wanted this for so long. But I can literally feel myself trying to emotionally distance myself from my dream of the Peace Corps. It's hard to explain, but I will try. I have these questions constantly running through my mind: Is this something that you really want? Can you handle this? What about the bugs/heat/cold/meat/etc? What about your political views? What about staying on the up and up with pop culture?

These are unnecessary questions. Of course I am more than willing to give up everything and move to a new place where I don't know anybody. I've done this before, numerous times. It's just that this process takes so long. So many hours of filling out applications and making appointments and sending emails and talking to people. Is it worth it? Of course.

It is worth every painful second, every stroke of impatience, every question that runs along my neurons. But it is still difficult. I often speak in terms of my rational mind and my emotional mind, because they are two vastly different creatures. In my rational mind, I know there is a reason that so much of this process is waiting and filling out paperwork and making sure that I am healthy. But my rational mind also wonders why I am putting a career on hold for this when there is so much other volunteering I could be doing. My emotional mind just wants to get out there and help people and is not satisfied with all of this waiting. My emotional mind is also terrified of being rejected and thinks maybe I should slink away from this quietly while I still have my dignity.

That last paragraph makes me sound slightly insane, but it is actually how I approach a lot of what I do in my life...

Like I said, I wanted to write but I have nothing new to say, really. I just want to document this torturous feeling for the future, so that if(when) I finally get my invitation, I can look back and be all "hindsight is 20/20, past Mary, no need to worry."

Have a great weekend!

Monday, July 2, 2012

I Was Raped In A Foreign Country

In my life, I have been raped twice. The first time, I was at school. That's not what this post is about. The second time it happened, I was in a different country...

Being a victim of rape sucks. There is absolutely no other way to say it, and I'm not going to try to appeal to a twisted sense of decency to say that it is anything but terrible, disgusting, and dehumanizing.

Being a victim a second time sucks twice as hard, because then you start to question yourself (moreso, if you didn't the first time). "Did I do something to cause this?" "Was it something I said or did or wore?" "Am I just looking at this the wrong way?"

Having this go down in a foreign country sucks even worse. "Did I say something that would culturally make him/her think s/he could act this way?" "Is this what normally happens?" "If I tell people, will they blame me for having traveled here?" "How do I report this, and to whom?" And the number one question: "Will they even believe me?"

Why am I writing this?
- Because I am following my own advice, the "if you have the capability to talk about something that happened to you, do it" advice from a few posts ago.
- Because the fact that I love to travel does not mean that I have always had good experiences.
- Because it happens a lot more often than anybody who is trying to get you to travel would like you to believe.
- Because the stories from Take Back the Night last year about women who studied abroad and were raped abroad pulled at my heartstrings. Also, the sheer number of women who said that it had happened to them makes me sick.
- Because study abroad packets don't prepare you for this shit.
- Because despite this, I still do what I love, and you can too. Healing takes time and everybody is on a different "schedule" of sorts.
- Because I do rape crisis counseling, and hearing even one story can inspire somebody to come forward with their own, because they don't feel so alone.

I am not writing this for attention. If you think so, you can get the f*ck off of my blog, because I don't want your twisted rationale messing up my writing space. 

I'm not going to get into specifics here, except to say that it was scary. At first, I didn't know what to call it. I didn't even actually call it "rape" until about a year after it happened, after a lot of processing of the situation. I didn't press charges, and, in fact, I didn't do anything. I'm pretty sure the guy has no idea what he did.

This is not to say that what he did is okay. It is the opposite of okay. It is appalling.

Rape is hardly discussed, even if you watch Law & Order: SVU or go to your school's Take Back the Night. And even when it is discussed, a lot of times myths abound: stranger rape, rape is about sex not power, don't go out at night, watch your drink, etc. It is almost never discussed in terms of traveling or studying abroad.

How many young women and men study abroad every year? Thousands upon thousands. When you take into account the percentage of people of each sex raped in their lifetime, there have to be more than a few rapes of US citizens that occur outside of the borders of the USA. How do we handle this? How do we help these people? Correct me if I am wrong, but I'm not aware of any campaign to help publicize rape crisis resources for those abroad.

I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post, other than to say that if this has happened to you, you are not alone. Feel free to email me, or leave an anonymous comment, or whatever. What happened is not your fault, and you shouldn't feel ashamed. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise.

Friday, June 29, 2012

This Month Had Been Hard

In terms of my future, I feel like I am running on a treadmill; I am working my ass off but not moving anywhere. I can feel the changes but nobody else can see the progress. I hate this feeling.

In terms of Peace Corps-related things, this month has been incredibly hard to handle. I read a lot of PC blogs, follow the updates on facebook, and leap at the chance to peruse articles or books on the subject of the Peace Corps. To say that I am obsessed would be an understatement.

So why is *this* month so hard? Because it has been a year since I was nominated. In June of last year, I thought I only had a few more months in this country, and that I would be leaving at the beginning of this year to try something new. I would be running away from my past and towards my future. This is not currently what is happening... well, maybe it is, but in a different sense I guess.

I'm not even close to leaving. Heck, I haven't even gotten my "real" Medical Packet yet. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel like I am running towards something that is forever out of the grasp of my hands. Sometimes I think this is never going to happen.

Obviously, these times are the worst, but I know that I can make it. In middle school, high school felt so far away. In high school, college felt so far away. In college, the Peace Corps felt so far away. I think what gets me most about PC, is that there is no set time limit. When I was in school, I knew exactly how many years I would have to put in to get the output I desired. Now, it is less so. It is an any moment thing. It is wondrous and terrifying and gives me an uneasy butterfly feeling in my stomach.

In the meantime, I am registered for all of the pre-med classes (well, the part 1s anyway) that I have to take in order to go to Medical School. This is really happening, I am really starting this journey. This too is terrifying. I may actually accomplish something in my short life.

I would say sorry for babbling, but this is my blog: my words and feelings, and you should never be sorry for what you are feeling.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Throwback: May 18, 2009

May 18th, 2009 was the first day of the trip that changed my life for the better. It was the day I left the U.S. to travel to Tanzania for the first (and so far, only) time in my life. I think it's fun to reflect on past thoughts, so here is my journal entry from that date. My, how much things change, and how much they stay the same!

-



So my first notebook isn't an actual notebook. It's this thing, this puzzle book. I remembered everything else but I forgot to pack myself a notebook. :( Right now, I'm sitting in the airport wondering what the hell I am doing. Why did I have to do this now? I've only been home a week and I already have to re-leave everyone I love. I want to cry and scream and cry some more. I am so stupid. No, I really want to do this. I need adventure in my life, something to challenge me, something to change me for the better. Besides, if I can't handle 2 months, how am I supposed to last 2 years in the Peace Corps? I just have to suck it up and live with it. I think I would feel a whole hell of a lot better about this if I had my cell phone and it worked overseas. I'm nervous and scared and I didn't want to leave so soon. I just want to spend time with my family and relax and enjoy summer. But I also just want to do something different, out of the ordinary, something challenging to me. I mean, something that challenges me. I need to know that this is what I want to do, that this is something I was made to do.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Today, I turned 23.

Another year older, another year wiser. A time to reflect, hence the previous posts.

What have I done in the past year?
- Moved to San Diego from LA
- Moved back to NJ
- Got a job as a tutor (that I still have)
- Got a job at a large retail bookstore (that I still have)
- Became a doula (though not certified yet)
- Took some awesome classes, and got A's in all but one
- Witnessed a birth
- Took a train across the U.S.
- Was finally home for some family parties
- Got my College Diploma
- Redecorated my room
- Got into 2 car accidents
- Almost died
- Started my longest relationship yet
- Made an awesome Halloween costume
- Was interviewed for TV because of my Luna Lovegood costume
- Trained to work on an Online Hotline
- Met some amazing, awesome, wonderful people
- Went back to LA to see my little graduate
- Spent time with my best friends
- Got rid of around 10 boxes of things
- Read a lot of books
- Started (and finished) two new TV shows that I am now obsessed with
- Became a Who-vian
- Helped people
- Grew

I love surveying the last year before the next one begins. It really reminds me of how much you can accomplish in a short period of time.

Peace (-<)

Friday, June 8, 2012

Peace Corps: Updating the Medical System... fun!

Tuesday I got a call from the Pre-Service Nurse. Here is the message she left me, word for word:

"Hi. This is a message for M.F. My name is L-. I'm calling from the Pre-Service Department at the Peace Corps Office of Medical Services. I'm the nurse team lead and G- has forwarded a message to me and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. So you're in the situation where you're going to be one of our in-between people who a medical review is partially started because of your pended condition that required an initial review but you won't be able to send in a physical by the deadline because you haven't gotten it yet. So what we are advising folks in your situation to do is, you know continue to, if you have the updated forms for the pended condition to send in at the point where you are able to send them in again that updated evaluation we could have it reviewed, see if that particular issue can be cleared at that time but we will have you hold off until the new system goes live in August before you complete a new health history form and then continue with the process. At that point it'll probably flag the same conditions again but we'll have the paperwork on file and we can make a notation about that and move you along. So my number is 202-XXX-XXXX if you have any other specific questions. Otherwise what we'll ask you to do, is that if when the new system comes up, if you don't receive any kind of notification about completing a new health history form by the time of, let's say, the 3rd week in August, that if you could reach out to us again either through email or call me and we'll see what we need to do to maneuver you in the system to keep you moving along in this process and so I hope that's helpful for you. And if you have any other questions my number again is 202-XXX-XXXX."

Interesting. That is, by the way, the voicemail, word for word, without the "um"s. This is really good information to know. This is in response to this email, send 5/22:

Hello G-!

I have been trying to call the OMS, but I keep getting transferred to the wrong place, so I thought I would just send an email. I have a few questions.

1. My Peace Corps "Mytoolkit" has said that I sent my Medical forms in on June of last year, but that isn't correct. I only sent the Mental Health forms. Is there any way to correct this so that when I do send in my actual forms, this is what it says? I would just like to make sure that I know where I am in the process.

2. I know a few people who are also applying but in the last stages of Medical who got emails saying that they have to send in all of their forms by July 9th of this year, otherwise they won't be able to send them in or get them reviewed until after August. Is this true? I never got that email.

3. I heard that the Peace Corps is updating the application system to streamline the process in August. Is there any way I can put off my Medical until it is streamlined, or would that not include me since I already sent in my application and had my interview and nomination? I know that there is no guarantee that my deferral will be lifted come June, but I just would like to know my options.

Thank you so much! I know that these are a lot of questions and I know how much work you have to do in the Office of Medical services, but I am in limbo right now and had no idea who to contact.

Thanks again!


-

I know I sound like such a suck up, but I definitely did not want it to sound like I was hounding them.

I'm very glad to finally know what it going on though, and I'm thankful that the Nurse took time out of her day to call me. It calms my nerves to know what exactly is going on, and that I will get a second chance at filling out the Health Forms. haha. Now I just have to find the updated mental health forms that they sent me earlier so that I can have them filled out and sent back.

Hope this is helpful to the Peace Corps people out there! Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Advice

I'm not sure I'm the right person to go to for advice, to be honest. I've been through a lot in my short life, yes, but I have not always been able to see clearly enough to make the right choices. I tend to be the person that you come to when you want to have a serious talk or you want a shoulder to cry on. I'm not sure how well my advice has served my friends over the years (Friends, if my advice has helped, feel free to let me know! haha).

So why am I about to write an entire blog post of advice for those entering college soon (or already in college)? Because I received this message on one of the social media websites that I use, and I just couldn't get it out of my head:
I really related to your blog post about the past five years of your life. I'm graduating from high school today and I have such huge plans for college, and I too plan to join the Peace Corps. The fact that it wasn't at all what you expected excites me. So thank you for encouraging my motivation and elation. :D
I found myself wanting to write back to this person with all of these little pieces of things that I have learned since high school, and even in high school. So I'm going to write them here. Maybe they can help somebody else along the way.

Mary's 9 Pieces of Life Advice

1. Decide which things in life you want to take seriously, and which ones you would rather joke about. You will save yourself a lot of frustration later on.
So what is this supposed to mean, especially in light of the "Don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive" crowd? It means that there are definitely things in life you should take seriously. I'm not here to tell you which of those things in your life you should take seriously, just that you should have something that means enough to you that you definitely do not want to lose it. What do I take seriously? My personal beliefs, my future, and helping people, not necessarily in that order. It doesn't mean that you have to be serious all the time; decide where your values lie.

2. You can always change your mind. About anything. (Even sex). So, you may think that this in opposition to what I said previously, but if there is one thing that I have learned in growing up, it is that you can always change your mind, even about your most closely held values. But, it has to be you who changes your mind; don't let another person do that for you. Do not be afraid to do research on a topic; the more you know, the better off you are in your opinions on the matter. Don't take anything anybody says at face value. There are wonderful people out there, but there are also liars and those who would say anything to get somebody to do something that would benefit them.

3. Do not be afraid to go for it! Any of it! Ask somebody out. Put yourself out there. Join a club. Put yourself in the position to meet new people.
Some of my best friends (and let's face it for those who know me, some of my best stories) have resulted from just doing something out of the ordinary. Going to a party alone. Watching movies with somebody who you may not know too well. Taking a class in something that is not in your major but you have always had interest in. Asking somebody out... Don't be afraid of the embarrassment; it passes. I have had both side of the experience of asking somebody out: the first time resulted in complete and utter embarrassment on so many levels, but it is such a great story to laugh about these days, whereas the second time, a beautiful, wonderful, amazing relationship resulted that enriched my life so much at the time. (Pro tip: If, by some chance, you are as weird/creative as I am, do not, under any circumstances, ask the person out using a hand-made, glittery, pop-up card on Valentine's Day written in a completely different language. Do not do this unless you are 99.99% sure that the person you like may like you back. There, I just saved you from an epic amount of embarrassment.)

4. You will regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did. Unless you wind up in jail. Then, this advice doesn't apply.
But seriously, people told me this over and over and I didn't listen. I can tell you now, from the "hindsight is 20/20" perspective, this is absolutely true. I regret not continuing with certain clubs. I regret not asking certain people out. I regret not fully exploring more nights out and less nights sleeping, even though I needed the sleep. I regret not getting to know people that showed an interest in me. I have far fewer regrets about anything I have actually done, and none that I can think of at the moment.

5. Travel! I cannot say this enough! Travel, Travel, TRAVEL!
There is a lot to be learned from traveling. You can meet people you never knew existed, learn about problems that you didn't even know about, and in the process, you can learn so much about yourself. How much comfort can you do without? Are you happy in a crowd of people that look nothing like you? Can you enjoy time spent in relative silence? How long can you go without the internet? How many bodily functions can embarrass you along the way? You can learn the answers to all of these questions and more, just by traveling. Even if you don't travel to another country, travel to a different city. If you spend a lot of time in the suburbs, go somewhere rural for a day or two. Same for the city. If you spend a lot of time in the middle of nowhere, go spend a few days in the city. It is amazing how different life can be only a few miles from where you are now. And if you can't take time off to travel? Explore your town. You'd be surprised the things there are to find.

6. There is more out there to learn than looks like it. Do something that you think is impossible, because it probably is not as bad as it seems.
Don't be afraid to do something just for you. I was absolutely terrified of heights, and I bungee jumped, just to prove to myself that I couldn't let fear take over my life. And it was amazing! I promise you, that when you think you cannot do something, and you end up doing it, you will feel so good about yourself afterwards. Want to write a book but aren't that good with grammar? Do it anyway, and have a friend help you edit it! Want to take a class that looks really hard? Take it pass/fail and do your best, or, if you have the time to devote to it, take it for a grade and work your butt off. My sophomore year, I took a Civil and Political Rights and Liberties class that I thought was going to be the death of me. I could not, for the life of me, memorize all of the cases that we were supposed to memorize, but, with a little advice from a teacher, and a bit of help from a sorority sister, I managed to pull the C- up to a B+. I have never been so proud of a B+ in my life. Push your own limits, but also know your limits. Don't worry about looking foolish! We've all been there.

7. If something "bad" happens, and you have the capability and mental capacity to talk about it, share. I promise you that not only will you be helping people who have also gone through that, or will go through that, but you will be surprised at the amount of support that comes out of the woodwork.
I'm going to get a little personal on this one, but hey, this is my blog, and I can do what I want. It is hard to go through bad things, but we are human, and bad things will happen. Some people have issues with mental illness, and I count myself among them. It is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a stigma because we allow this stigma to be there. Listen to what Harvey Milk said (this applies to being gay, but can also really apply to anything that has stigma surrounding it): "Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene." This is such a great quote to live by! Break down the myths that surround whatever you may be going through, whether it is family issues, money issues, issues with school, any and all of it. That's what friends are for. I thought, that when I announced to my sorority that I was going to be telling my story as the first person in the "Survivor Speak-Out" during Take Back the Night my senior year of college, only my few closest friends in the house would come out to support me. But so many more women came out to show an extraordinary level of support for something that not many people like to talk about. It was amazing.
If, however, something bad happens and you feel you have nobody to turn to, do not forget that every college campus has a counseling center, and usually their services are free. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went to mine more than once, and they can really help. At my school, they had support groups for all kinds of different things: homesickness, relationships, trouble in school. There is always somebody out there will to support you; don't be afraid to let them.

8. Work, if only part time. But, definitely work.
Not only will your wallet thank you, but so will your resume. A part time job during college can be a great source of spending money and experience, especially if it is doing something you either love or hate. Look at it this way: If you love it, awesome, it's not really work, it's just something you do that happens to give you money. If you hate it, great, now you know you need to work hard in class so you never have to work in that kind of job again. It's win/win. But don't break your back working too hard, especially because you should have time to enjoy yourselves, which brings us to the last piece of advice...

9. Have fun! Sometimes, you need to just not give a damn and do something that you want to do. As long as you aren't hurting anybody, go for it. Enjoy your life! You only get one.

If any readers have any more pieces of life advice to give, please feel free to leave them in the comments. If I get enough, I may do another post!

Monday, June 4, 2012

June 4, 2007

On this date 5 years ago, I graduated from high school, ready and willing to take on the world.

In these past 5 years, so much has happened. I have traveled to more places than I ever dreamed possible. I have had absolutely frightening, absolutely enthralling, and absolutely wonderful experiences. I have made friends that I hope I never lose. I have proven to myself that I can do things that I never thought possible. I have been in love and been loved. I have survived. I have thrived. I have discovered the beauty around me. I have cried over loss, cried from happiness, and cried for no other reason than to get it out of my system.

5 years ago today, I didn't yet know what happened to Harry Potter in his final search for Voldemort. I had not reached age 18 yet. I had absolutely no thoughts of joining a sorority, and was, in fact, celebrating my "Most Unique" title. I had no idea what a big or a little was, or how special they could be, and how much they could mean to me. I had never lived on my own for more than 3 weeks. I had never owned a Macbook. I hadn't had anything tattooed or pierced (besides my ears). I had never been to Ireland, Tanzania, or Nicaragua, nor did I even spare a thought that they could possibly be in my future. I hadn't lost my aunt to cancer... I didn't even know she had cancer. I didn't outright identify as a feminist, though I always had the tendencies. I only had 9 cousins, and nobody was married or had children. I had never been in a "serious" relationship. I hadn't yet made my Luna Lovegood costume for the midnight release party. I hadn't yet fallen in with the two best friends a girl could ask for. I had drive, but I had no idea what I was going to use it for. I had not been to hospital because of my own stupid mistakes. I had not yet found what I currently consider to be my calling.

5 years can seem like a long time, and yet no time at all. I can still distinctly remember sitting in Continental Airlines Arena, listening to the head honcho drone on, counting every name on the list so I could figure out the exact number of people I was graduating with. I remember being cold and hot at the same time. I remember searching for my parents' faces in the crowd. I remember yelling at my aunt and uncle. I remember how nervous I was to walk across the stage, how much I felt like I was going to trip. I remember singing in the choir during different parts of the graduation. I remember listening to a speech I thought was excellent, and then a speech I felt was lackluster. Or vice versa. I remember thinking how stupid it was that girls had to wear white, especially because it could be extra embarrassing if a little something should come early.

It's been over a year since I graduated college as well, and yet it still doesn't feel real... Life is a crazy journey!

-

On a Peace Corps related note, I update my "Timeline" to include an email I sent out over a week ago that I am still waiting to hear back on. Once I do, I will make it into a post.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Los Angeles

It was wonderful to finally get out to LA after a (very) long 8-month wait. I really missed my friends, I missed the area, and I missed the sunshine. I missed the heat. I missed the traffic on the 10 and the 405. I missed Diddy Riese, In-N-Out, and yes, even Del Taco. I missed USC. I missed South Central. I basically missed everything there was to miss and not to miss.

I felt free for the first time in months. I felt like me again.

I know that I am eventually going to have to move out there, without a doubt. I know I don't belong on the East Coast, but this is where I am at the moment and I am trying to make the best of it in every way possible. I even applied for a *real* job today! I am more than likely not going to get it, but a girl can dream, can't she? Ha!

I'm upset that I did not get to see as many people as I wanted to see, nor as many sights as I wanted to see, but I finally did do the hike in Griffith Park. One week was way too short.

On the Peace Corps front, I have definitely decided to put off leaving until at least next August. If I get the job that I applied for, I can plan my class schedule in such a way that I will have all of my classes done by next August, at which point I will be ready to leave. Hopefully, I can squeeze the MCAT in there somewhere, but we know that plans always change. Here's to hoping!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Another Update (May 2012)

So as of right now, I think, after my deferral is up for appeal again at the start of next month, I am not going to jump right into getting all of that stuff done. One, I think I want to push back my leave date by about a year, and two, I have a great job and I love it. Right now I tutor. I absolutely love the feeling of helping somebody succeed; there is almost no greater feeling in this world. I already promised two families that I would be in NJ through the next school year for their kids. I don't like to break these promises. Also, I will be taking a full course-load of classes at a local University to do all of the fun Pre-Med stuff that I never did at 'SC. I really want to finish all of the pre-reqs for Medical School before departing for the Peace Corps. I think this is the best option for me, especially because I want to start applying while in the PC. It seems strange to want to push back the Peace Corps by a few more months after being devastated that they deferred me for far longer than I would have liked or that I found comfortable at the time. I guess there may be a reason for everything on this small ball of chaos floating in space. I hope everybody is having a wonderful May! I will write about my trip to LA in my next post!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Death

So here is the post on death as promised!

Death is an interesting topic, especially in terms of traveling or even being far from the one who is dying or has died.

My aunt died in early 2009. She lived on the other side of the country. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving of 2008. The last time my mom (her sister) saw her was summer of 2008. We knew she would not make it to another Christmas, but we didn't realize how soon she would pass. My mom had actually made flight arrangements to see her, but she died a week before my mom was going to fly out there.

When I learned of her death, I couldn't believe it. Of course I knew it would happen (she had cancer), but I didn't realize how soon. I thought I had more time, more time to hear her stories, more time to take pictures of/with her, just... more time. I think of all of the things I could have said or did differently, if only to make her a little more comfortable. I think a lot of us do that when we are in mourning. "What is the last thing I said to her?" "Does she know that I cared?" "How is everybody else doing?"

Death has been on my mind a lot, mostly because of the two car accidents I have gotten into in the past 5 months. It is just terrifying to know that what you are working so hard towards can be taken away at a moment's notice.

I think I have a weird relationship with death, mostly because I don't believe in the after life. I believe that the time we have is the time we have, and we should make the best of it while we can, do what we enjoy, and just live. I didn't even realize I had such a worldview until Niall pointed out that not once did I mention seeing my aunt again during the speech I wrote for her memorial service. It makes sense, really.

I'm sure that this is also why death affects me in the way that it does. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am a big crier. I cry when I am happy, when I am angry, and especially when I am sad. It's a weird achy feeling, a hole, a pain.

Anyway, I really wanted to write about this topic because a soldier from my town recently died while serving overseas. My town is tiny (1.09 sq mi), everybody basically knows everybody, and people really care about each other here, as I explained in one of my previous posts. When the body of the soldier was driven through town, there were people lining the streets, all of the street lamps had yellow ribbons tied around them, and you couldn't walk a foot without seeing an American flag. It was a beautiful display of solidarity.

It also hit me hard, not because I knew the soldier (I know the family, in the way that you know a family that has grown up in the same small town as you), but because he was so close to coming home. He was a little over two weeks from coming home. His sister had arranged her wedding so that he could attend. Really, the circumstances are just sad.

And bringing this back to the Peace Corps, or traveling in general, I always wonder what would happen if I died abroad, or while serving in the Peace Corps, or while flying across the country to visit friends. In my mind, I know that anything can happen so I shouldn't worry about it, but I still worry because I do travel so much...

When I first started to really research the Peace Corps, I wanted to see how many people had died in service, and how they had died. Now, that sounds morbid, and it probably is, but this is how my mind works: plan for the worst case scenario, and be pleasantly surprised when everything works out fine. Here are some stats for you:
- Since it's inception in 1961, 284 volunteers have died.
- Over 200,000 people have served, therefore, the death rate is less than 0.2%.
- Number of deaths in the last five years: 2011-5, 2010-2, 2009-3, 2008-2, and 2007-4.
- Various ways death has occurred: motor vehicle accident, murder, accidents on site, natural causes, illness, and I believe I also read of one volunteer being eaten by a crocodile, one getting trampled by an elephant, and one dying from a shark attack.
- If you want more information, http://fpcv.org/ is a great resource. It is dedicated to every PCV who has lost his or her life.

So, death happens. But so does life.

My biggest fear is that somebody I love will die suddenly while I am abroad. My grandparents are old, and I've seen enough tragedy to know that even young people can be struck down in their prime by very unfortunate circumstances.

I just hope, when I eventually get through medical and get invited, that my "good-byes" to those I love are not last "goodbye"s but rather, "see you later"s.

Monday, April 16, 2012

All Types of Training

Yes, I know. I said my next post was going to be about death. However, I have something else on my mind, so I thought I would share.

We spend so much time being trained in life. School is training for the future. Various job positions have a few days or a few weeks of training before you are on your own. Many volunteer positions require either training or a solid background in something in order to not be trained. Training is a big part of our lives, whether we realize it or not.

Today, I completed my second day of training for a volunteer position on an online hotline. In my life, I have been trained to: help a woman at birth, volunteer on a phone hotline, teach sex ed to middle school students, teach HIV/AIDS education to high school students in a different country, set up for and clean up after a Catholic Mass or Wedding, work as a receptionist, drive students around, speak appropriately to young ladies, bartend... really, any number of things.

In all honesty, I find any sort of training fascinating, but then again, I love to absorb information. From what I have read, the Peace Corps training process is intense and exhausting. For those who don't know, the PC training is a 2-3 month long process, where you are not only trained in what your "sector" is, but also taught the language of the place you will be, as well as, from what I have gleaned, various other topics related to service.

I am so excited to one day go through the entire thing. I know I am technically still in the application process (ugh, deferrals), but I can't help but hold onto that dream. One day, it will all be worth it. And one day, when I come back and complain about how much work training is, and how it exhausts me, I'm going to read this entry. Because it is worth it!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Updates

I just wanted to let everybody know I added an "About Me" tab up at the top there. I also updated my "Peace Corps Timeline" (which I'm going to update again as soon as I find the letter they sent me 3 months ago) and my "Helpful Hints" tab. Feel free to peruse, browse, comment, or anything. It's a reminder I'm not just talking to myself on here!

:-)

Small Town Life

Before I begin this blog post, I would like to say that I have had two ideas for blog posts floating around in my head for about two weeks now. The first one is on traveling/distance and illness/death, which will be coming in the next few weeks, and the second one is this blog post, on small town life. It isn't so much about traveling, more about what I leave behind when I do travel.

...

I live in a small suburban town in northeast NJ. There isn't much diversity and there isn't much to do. And everybody basically knows everybody.

I have to say, I hated my town when I was a teenager. I really, truly counted down the days until I could leave for college. This hatred is probably one of the reasons that I went so far away for college, as far as I could possibly go without crossing an ocean.

Let me backtrack. I'm a bit different. Not in the "special snowflake" way, but mostly the problem is sometimes I have trouble in social situations. I'm awkward. I'm much, much better now, but I spent a lot of time growing up not really knowing how to act around people. I was different enough, though, to become an easy target for teasing. Middle school was basically hell, which is one of the reasons that I didn't go to my public high school. It basically drove me to the brink of suicide. It was terrible.

High school was a little better, but I still lived in my town. Does anybody remember the "xanga" phase? You know, like before/during the time period when livejournal was popular, lots of people had xangas and myspaces (I feel ancient talking about this) and wrote about the "trials and tribulations" of teenage life. Yes, I had one of those, and I rediscovered it recently. I definitely had more than one blog post about how crappy my town was and how it sucked, and really, all the stuff a person says when they hate where they are from.

I have to be honest, I meant it at the time, but now I look back and it is just stupid. I was stupid. But then again, if I had never left, never traveled, I probably would not have realized this.

My perspective has changed.

Today, I look around, and I can't imagine growing up any place but where I grew up. This place may not be perfect, but it is my town. For a 1.09 square mile town, we have had quite a few tragedies that have united us. We lost somebody on 9/11. We had a child die a few years ago, my best friend's youngest sister's friend. A few years before that, half of family died when they were hit by a car as they were walking to the elementary school. Most recently, we lost a Marine. And each time these things happened, the outpouring of love and support were overwhelming. The people of the town really came together to show how much it meant to be part of this community.

When I think about having children (and I really don't think about this often), I think I want them to grow up in a small suburban town. The support system here is wonderful. Although, I have to admit, it can also really be a downer when everybody knows your business. But still, it is kind of wonderful.

After spending a few years in Los Angeles, I started to believe that the impersonal was better. The less you invest yourself in other people, the less you get hurt. Yes, certain communities within LA unite and take care of each other, but it is, at it's heart, a city. And cities just do not have that same support that towns have. It was weird to come back. Maybe my dreams are too big for where I grew up, but what big dreams aren't?

My dad grew up in this town. My grandparents still have a house here.

After being gone for 4 years, it is amazing to come back and have a conversation with people that I haven't seen in years. It's also funny when somebody says something along the lines of "How old are you now? I remember when you were as tall as my knee!" It really, truly amazes me how much people can be invested in the lives of the people within their town. It is beautiful.

So, for anybody reading this who has had to listen to me rant about how terrible my town is, I take it back, I apologize. My town is amazing. My town is wonderful. It has it's faults, no doubt, but it is my home.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

HIV Education

Two posts in one week, let alone one month?! Yes, I am trying to post more!

Yesterday, I taught HIV to a class of high school students. This was my first time in front of a classroom in about 8 months and it went SO WELL. I really love to be in charge of classroom of students who need to learn topics like Sex Education, HIV/AIDS, and other difficult-to-cover subjects. The students were so engaged and the mentor who cam with me to make sure I could teach (since I'm doing this as a volunteer with the amazing Buddies of NJ AIDS organization) said I did an excellent job!

I was nervous at first, but once I got my flow, all of my training and background just took over. Granted, I kind of jumped from one topic to another, but the kids stayed interested and if I forgot anything I just jumped back. I managed to cover the 3 types of transmission, including an in-depth discussion for each of the 3 main modes of transmission (sexual contact, mother-to-child, and blood-to-blood [including needles and tattoos]), how an HIV test works, some theories behind how it was transferred into humans, what people with AIDS "look like", how many people in the US are HIV+ and how many people worldwide are positive, how stigma plays a role in knowing your status, how many people who have HIV have no idea, and volunteering with AIDS organizations at home and abroad. Oh, and of course, my favorite things in the world: a male condom demonstration, a female condom demonstration, and a dental dam demonstration.

It was exhilarating! It felt wonderful! And I really did give these kids some knowledge. I know this because a bunch came up to me/my counterpart/the teacher to thank us and to say they had learned a lot.

There were some funny moments. At one point, instead of saying "And then you take the condom off," I said, "And then you take the penis off!" I lost the class for a good minute at that point, and saved myself with a Lorena Bobbit joke! Ha! And then, I accidentally made a rude motion when I was talking with my hands, but the teacher was okay with that and laughed it off.

Anyway, this will hopefully keep me sharp for when I do get into the Peace Corps, where I am nominated for Health Extension.

Have a great rest of the week!