Death

So here is the post on death as promised!

Death is an interesting topic, especially in terms of traveling or even being far from the one who is dying or has died.

My aunt died in early 2009. She lived on the other side of the country. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving of 2008. The last time my mom (her sister) saw her was summer of 2008. We knew she would not make it to another Christmas, but we didn't realize how soon she would pass. My mom had actually made flight arrangements to see her, but she died a week before my mom was going to fly out there.

When I learned of her death, I couldn't believe it. Of course I knew it would happen (she had cancer), but I didn't realize how soon. I thought I had more time, more time to hear her stories, more time to take pictures of/with her, just... more time. I think of all of the things I could have said or did differently, if only to make her a little more comfortable. I think a lot of us do that when we are in mourning. "What is the last thing I said to her?" "Does she know that I cared?" "How is everybody else doing?"

Death has been on my mind a lot, mostly because of the two car accidents I have gotten into in the past 5 months. It is just terrifying to know that what you are working so hard towards can be taken away at a moment's notice.

I think I have a weird relationship with death, mostly because I don't believe in the after life. I believe that the time we have is the time we have, and we should make the best of it while we can, do what we enjoy, and just live. I didn't even realize I had such a worldview until Niall pointed out that not once did I mention seeing my aunt again during the speech I wrote for her memorial service. It makes sense, really.

I'm sure that this is also why death affects me in the way that it does. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am a big crier. I cry when I am happy, when I am angry, and especially when I am sad. It's a weird achy feeling, a hole, a pain.

Anyway, I really wanted to write about this topic because a soldier from my town recently died while serving overseas. My town is tiny (1.09 sq mi), everybody basically knows everybody, and people really care about each other here, as I explained in one of my previous posts. When the body of the soldier was driven through town, there were people lining the streets, all of the street lamps had yellow ribbons tied around them, and you couldn't walk a foot without seeing an American flag. It was a beautiful display of solidarity.

It also hit me hard, not because I knew the soldier (I know the family, in the way that you know a family that has grown up in the same small town as you), but because he was so close to coming home. He was a little over two weeks from coming home. His sister had arranged her wedding so that he could attend. Really, the circumstances are just sad.

And bringing this back to the Peace Corps, or traveling in general, I always wonder what would happen if I died abroad, or while serving in the Peace Corps, or while flying across the country to visit friends. In my mind, I know that anything can happen so I shouldn't worry about it, but I still worry because I do travel so much...

When I first started to really research the Peace Corps, I wanted to see how many people had died in service, and how they had died. Now, that sounds morbid, and it probably is, but this is how my mind works: plan for the worst case scenario, and be pleasantly surprised when everything works out fine. Here are some stats for you:
- Since it's inception in 1961, 284 volunteers have died.
- Over 200,000 people have served, therefore, the death rate is less than 0.2%.
- Number of deaths in the last five years: 2011-5, 2010-2, 2009-3, 2008-2, and 2007-4.
- Various ways death has occurred: motor vehicle accident, murder, accidents on site, natural causes, illness, and I believe I also read of one volunteer being eaten by a crocodile, one getting trampled by an elephant, and one dying from a shark attack.
- If you want more information, http://fpcv.org/ is a great resource. It is dedicated to every PCV who has lost his or her life.

So, death happens. But so does life.

My biggest fear is that somebody I love will die suddenly while I am abroad. My grandparents are old, and I've seen enough tragedy to know that even young people can be struck down in their prime by very unfortunate circumstances.

I just hope, when I eventually get through medical and get invited, that my "good-byes" to those I love are not last "goodbye"s but rather, "see you later"s.