A few nights ago, I was at a pool party. Among the guests at this party were two Irish guys. As we were playing around in the water, they both got a little rough. I was poking fun at some of the Irish slang terms, when one of the guys lunged at me and started "play" choking me, except it didn't feel like he was kidding, and I was terrified for a split second. The other guy kept flipping me upside down and holding me in the water for a few seconds, which I also found completely terrifying.
Writing those instances out makes those events seem worse than what I can only assume both guys meant them to be, which is playful. I'm not going to hold this against them, because I never seriously said anything along the lines of "I don't like that, please don't do that," to them. There were a few playful "no, stop"s along the way, but I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid of ruining the atmosphere.
I like to put up this "front" that I am strong, and that I will stand up for myself, no matter what the social costs. To a certain extent, this is true, but when I am in an unfamiliar setting or I don't want to offend people, usually I will just keep quiet. This has the potential to result in dangerous situations.
When I am in an unfamiliar situation, I will more often than not err on the side of "not offending people" than on the side of "okay, that person needs to stop what they are doing, it is making me uncomfortable." When somebody says something to me that I find creepy or uncalled for, I will usually try to think of ways in which they didn't mean it that way, and convince myself I am being over sensitive. Honestly, I'm pretty hard on myself about this sometimes.
I rationalize the uncomfortable comments and the invasion of personal space, mostly because that is what I have internalized. Women have to be small, they don't take up space, and they just have to live with comments made to them, because they are being too sensitive. I'm trying not to make this into a full-on feminist rant; I'm trying to pull back from that and focus on this rationalization of violence and discomfort when traveling.
Sometimes, when we are in a different country, we have to follow the rules of the culture that is popular. For instance, when I was in Tanzania, we had to cover our knees. I'm fine with that. People proposing marriage? I'm cool with that, just don't get into my personal space. Dancing with me, even though I have repeatedly said no? Not okay, in the slightest. But how do you set up these boundaries when you aren't even fluent in the local language? When you aren't sure of the proper social etiquette? Why did I have to leave the dance floor to get away from a guy? I was minding my own business.
I read a post on Facebook (linked from Tumblr) from a young woman studying abroad in France about all of these men who had cat-called her and threatened violence against her, just because she was a woman. At what point do you stop saying "Oh, it's just the culture" and start saying "Oh, misogyny is rampant, I need to combat this the best that I can, and stick up for myself"? Does that line cross personal boundaries? Should we even have to be asking this question?
That's not to say that these things don't happen at home too, and with other Americans. For instance, a few months ago I was at a party when a guy who I didn't know sat squished next to me. Now, I had been sitting there, kind of in my own little world of thought. Well, as soon as he sat down, he put his arm around me and started playing with my hair. I was not okay with this, and asked him to stop, three times, but he didn't, so I slapped him, at which point he laughed and continued. So I punched him. And he laughed again. I ended up having to get up to move away from him, even though I had not been doing anything and he was the one in my space.
As I told this story to my friends, I was rationalizing his behavior: "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't know better." "Could it have been the length of my dress? It was pretty short." "Maybe he was just trying to be funny."
No. None of the above. And this is where I want to tie this in with my post about rape: this is why it took so long for me to even call it that. I was rationalizing. "I should not have let myself be alone with him." "He probably didn't hear me when I said no." "He probably didn't notice how scared I was; I did cover my face at one point." "He had been drinking."
No. No, no, no. None of these are valid excuses. None of these make sense. None of these should've occurred to me... I did not make the choice to rape myself, just as much as somebody who has been the victim of a stabbing made the choice to have the knife plunged into them.
Anybody who has been a victim of a (violent) crime should not have to sit there and rationalize through what happened to them. Yes, unfortunate things happen. Yes, sometimes unfortunate things happen while you are traveling. Being in a different country is not a good enough reason for a crime to have happened. This things happen everywhere.
We don't have to rationalize violence. We shouldn't.
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