I Want to Write, But I Have Nothing to Say

I want to update everybody, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I will probably add another entry or two having to do with my last post, and the response to it, but as of right now, I just feel stuck. I know that this is a recurring theme on my blog at this point, but it is true.

The sad thing is, I know myself. I know how I react to certain things. If I think I am going to be rejected from something, I will either not even try to get into it, or I will reject it before it has the chance to reject me. Granted, I have been working on this for a couple of years now, and have been more than willing to apply to places and programs that are not a sure thing, but now, I can feel myself pushing away from the Peace Corps.

On the one hand, I want this with every fiber of my being. I have wanted this for so long. But I can literally feel myself trying to emotionally distance myself from my dream of the Peace Corps. It's hard to explain, but I will try. I have these questions constantly running through my mind: Is this something that you really want? Can you handle this? What about the bugs/heat/cold/meat/etc? What about your political views? What about staying on the up and up with pop culture?

These are unnecessary questions. Of course I am more than willing to give up everything and move to a new place where I don't know anybody. I've done this before, numerous times. It's just that this process takes so long. So many hours of filling out applications and making appointments and sending emails and talking to people. Is it worth it? Of course.

It is worth every painful second, every stroke of impatience, every question that runs along my neurons. But it is still difficult. I often speak in terms of my rational mind and my emotional mind, because they are two vastly different creatures. In my rational mind, I know there is a reason that so much of this process is waiting and filling out paperwork and making sure that I am healthy. But my rational mind also wonders why I am putting a career on hold for this when there is so much other volunteering I could be doing. My emotional mind just wants to get out there and help people and is not satisfied with all of this waiting. My emotional mind is also terrified of being rejected and thinks maybe I should slink away from this quietly while I still have my dignity.

That last paragraph makes me sound slightly insane, but it is actually how I approach a lot of what I do in my life...

Like I said, I wanted to write but I have nothing new to say, really. I just want to document this torturous feeling for the future, so that if(when) I finally get my invitation, I can look back and be all "hindsight is 20/20, past Mary, no need to worry."

Have a great weekend!