In terms of my future, I feel like I am running on a treadmill; I am working my ass off but not moving anywhere. I can feel the changes but nobody else can see the progress. I hate this feeling.
In terms of Peace Corps-related things, this month has been incredibly hard to handle. I read a lot of PC blogs, follow the updates on facebook, and leap at the chance to peruse articles or books on the subject of the Peace Corps. To say that I am obsessed would be an understatement.
So why is *this* month so hard? Because it has been a year since I was nominated. In June of last year, I thought I only had a few more months in this country, and that I would be leaving at the beginning of this year to try something new. I would be running away from my past and towards my future. This is not currently what is happening... well, maybe it is, but in a different sense I guess.
I'm not even close to leaving. Heck, I haven't even gotten my "real" Medical Packet yet. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel like I am running towards something that is forever out of the grasp of my hands. Sometimes I think this is never going to happen.
Obviously, these times are the worst, but I know that I can make it. In middle school, high school felt so far away. In high school, college felt so far away. In college, the Peace Corps felt so far away. I think what gets me most about PC, is that there is no set time limit. When I was in school, I knew exactly how many years I would have to put in to get the output I desired. Now, it is less so. It is an any moment thing. It is wondrous and terrifying and gives me an uneasy butterfly feeling in my stomach.
In the meantime, I am registered for all of the pre-med classes (well, the part 1s anyway) that I have to take in order to go to Medical School. This is really happening, I am really starting this journey. This too is terrifying. I may actually accomplish something in my short life.
I would say sorry for babbling, but this is my blog: my words and feelings, and you should never be sorry for what you are feeling.
1 comment:
Life IS a treadmill, we just have to figure out when to take a break is all. I admire all your blogs, and believe in you 100%! I, too, and applying for the Peace Corps, and am currently writing my essays. I stumbled upon your blog, googling help with essays. I am glad I found it. And to clarify one of your statements, you will accomplish may more in your lifetime. Just by reading your blog, has changed mine.
Stay strong this month, and keep yourself busy. You will get something back soon! Faith! Patience! Love!
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