On Not Being Heterosexual While Traveling

I spent the last full week of July volunteering at the 19th International AIDS Conference in Washington DC. It was beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and eye-opening in ways I cannot even begin to express. There were over 21,000 people there from over 150 countries, each representing their interests in the fight against HIV/AIDS, and all of the aspects that come with that fight: from social/political issues like equality among the sexes, legalization of sex work, protecting non-heterosexual and non-cis-gendered folks, and working with, and sometimes around, religion, to scientific issues like informed consent in trials, testing more HIV drugs on women, whether circumcision truly is the answer, and what it would take for the world to rally around a cure. It gave me a lot to think about.

One of the biggest things I have mused over since the conference ended is the role of lifestyle in the quality of care. As a doula, I have witnessed first-hand the differences in care somebody on Medicaid receives as opposed to the quality of care somebody on private insurance receives. As somebody who does HIV outreach, I have heard stories of people refused medication because the pharmacists don't "agree with the lifestyle choice." As someone who follows feminist blogs closely, I have read a few stories of people refused care because they are transgendered. As someone who aspires to be a doctor, I find all of these situations unacceptable.

All of this thought has led me to think: What are some of the reasons I may be refused care? I carry white privilege with me wherever I go, as I could probably not get any more "white," with my light-colored hair and blue eyes. I'm college-educated, so I carry "proper" grammar and vocabulary on my side. I am able-bodied. I am young. The only two things I can think of that may impact my care in a bad way are the fact that I am a woman and the fact that I am not heterosexual.

Women, in all seriousness, have been given the short of the stick when it comes to medicine, up until almost recently, although some may argue that this continues through practices today. I don't want to elaborate much on this, because there is already a lot of literature about this, much better written and explained than I am capable of. If you want to do some research, a great place to start is with how the word "hysteria" came to be.

I am not heterosexual. Granted, I can pass as straight, but I truly am not. I am bisexual, for those who are only familiar with the terms "straight, gay, and bi," but I really consider myself pansexual. Ten points to Ravenclaw if you know what that means! All joking aside though, in some countries, just being yourself has dire consequences. Consider what it may be like to be a gay man in a country know for it's machismo or in a country where it is considered illegal to be gay, and your neighbors believe you better off dead than a lesbian. Consider what it may be like to know that if you "come out" to your family or closest friend, you may risk stoning or dishonor.

I spoke to a few people who were manning gay rights booths in the "open to the public" portion of the Conference. It seemed as though they were happy to be able to be out and proud about it, and to offer a support system to others that wish to be out as well, but they also spoke about how it could be somewhat dangerous to be out, which is why the support systems existed in the first place.

In some countries, being out can be a blast, and a great experiment in what you could expect upon returning home. In other countries, being out could mean repeated rapes (meant to "turn you straight") or death upon discovery. Even in the United States, people are beaten or shot for not being straight. And this is not just in our distant Matthew Shepard history. Just last month, two young lesbians were shot and left for dead.

The Peace Corps even has a special panel that you can watch online or go to live on what the experience is like being LGBTQI abroad. It's difficult to go from relative safety in expressing who you are to basically walking back into the closet for a long period time, but sometimes, to live your dreams, it has to be done. Just as all of the soldiers who hid during the time of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and long before then. Just ask the women and men in the USA who lost their jobs in the early 1900s because they didn't quite fit the right mold.

It's hard to be strong when your strength may mean your death.

Modern Conveniences While Traveling

I am currently typing this blog entry from a bus somewhere between Newark, NJ and Washington DC. The bus has WiFi, which is awesome, although not totally necessary. 

For my trip to Washington DC for the next week, I have packed my laptop, nook, iPod, camera, and cell phone, along with all of their chargers. For some people, including me, this feels totally necessary. A cell phone is a must, really, but other than that, all of these electronics are not really needed. The camera is great to make memories, and show them to people, but I could always use my words. My laptop and iPod are just entertainment devices, although the laptop comes in handy to communicate thoughts, like right now. The nook (it's a Simple Touch) is basically just a bunch of books; it doesn't do anything fancy. 

There are so many people on the bus with their electronics: headphones plugged in, existing in their own little world. Are we that scared to make contact with another person? Are we that scared to be alone with our own thoughts?

Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I'd estimate (conservatively) that you could go travel to about 75% of the countries on Earth, and be able to use/charge these items. There really is no more "roughing it," unless it is self-imposed. 

I'm hoping that when I eventually do get into/leave for the Peace Corps, when I get assigned to my site, it is pretty out of the way. Not in a romanticized way, but just because I would love to be able to experience life without all of these technologies, and I know that it would be hard for me, and I welcome the challenge. We'll see how that goes...

When I was in Tanzania for the two months I was there, I was laptop-less and it was glorious, in a really awesome, freeing way. Now, I'm constantly worried about missing an email or a facebook message and therefore missing something important. I feel so tied to technology. Does anybody else feel that way?

So these are just some thoughts on a bus at 9:30am, when I've only gotten about an hour of sleep. 

Rationalizing Violence

A few nights ago, I was at a pool party. Among the guests at this party were two Irish guys. As we were playing around in the water, they both got a little rough. I was poking fun at some of the Irish slang terms, when one of the guys lunged at me and started "play" choking me, except it didn't feel like he was kidding, and I was terrified for a split second. The other guy kept flipping me upside down and holding me in the water for a few seconds, which I also found completely terrifying.
Writing those instances out makes those events seem worse than what I can only assume both guys meant them to be, which is playful. I'm not going to hold this against them, because I never seriously said anything along the lines of "I don't like that, please don't do that," to them. There were a few playful "no, stop"s along the way, but I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid of ruining the atmosphere.

I like to put up this "front" that I am strong, and that I will stand up for myself, no matter what the social costs. To a certain extent, this is true, but when I am in an unfamiliar setting or I don't want to offend people, usually I will just keep quiet. This has the potential to result in dangerous situations.


When I am in an unfamiliar situation, I will more often than not err on the side of "not offending people" than on the side of "okay, that person needs to stop what they are doing, it is making me uncomfortable." When somebody says something to me that I find creepy or uncalled for, I will usually try to think of ways in which they didn't mean it that way, and convince myself I am being over sensitive. Honestly, I'm pretty hard on myself about this sometimes.

I rationalize the uncomfortable comments and the invasion of personal space, mostly because that is what I have internalized. Women have to be small, they don't take up space, and they just have to live with comments made to them, because they are being too sensitive. I'm trying not to make this into a full-on feminist rant; I'm trying to pull back from that and focus on this rationalization of violence and discomfort when traveling.

Sometimes, when we are in a different country, we have to follow the rules of the culture that is popular. For instance, when I was in Tanzania, we had to cover our knees. I'm fine with that. People proposing marriage? I'm cool with that, just don't get into my personal space. Dancing with me, even though I have repeatedly said no? Not okay, in the slightest. But how do you set up these boundaries when you aren't even fluent in the local language? When you aren't sure of the proper social etiquette? Why did I have to leave the dance floor to get away from a guy? I was minding my own business.

I read a post on Facebook (linked from Tumblr) from a young woman studying abroad in France about all of these men who had cat-called her and threatened violence against her, just because she was a woman. At what point do you stop saying "Oh, it's just the culture" and start saying "Oh, misogyny is rampant, I need to combat this the best that I can, and stick up for myself"? Does that line cross personal boundaries? Should we even have to be asking this question?

That's not to say that these things don't happen at home too, and with other Americans. For instance, a few months ago I was at a party when a guy who I didn't know sat squished next to me. Now, I had been sitting there, kind of in my own little world of thought. Well, as soon as he sat down, he put his arm around me and started playing with my hair. I was not okay with this, and asked him to stop, three times, but he didn't, so I slapped him, at which point he laughed and continued. So I punched him. And he laughed again. I ended up having to get up to move away from him, even though I had not been doing anything and he was the one in my space.

As I told this story to my friends, I was rationalizing his behavior: "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't know better." "Could it have been the length of my dress? It was pretty short." "Maybe he was just trying to be funny."

No. None of the above. And this is where I want to tie this in with my post about rape: this is why it took so long for me to even call it that. I was rationalizing. "I should not have let myself be alone with him." "He probably didn't hear me when I said no." "He probably didn't notice how scared I was; I did cover my face at one point." "He had been drinking."

No. No, no, no. None of these are valid excuses. None of these make sense. None of these should've occurred to me... I did not make the choice to rape myself, just as much as somebody who has been the victim of a stabbing made the choice to have the knife plunged into them.

Anybody who has been a victim of a (violent) crime should not have to sit there and rationalize through what happened to them. Yes, unfortunate things happen. Yes, sometimes unfortunate things happen while you are traveling. Being in a different country is not a good enough reason for a crime to have happened. This things happen everywhere.

We don't have to rationalize violence. We shouldn't.

I Want to Write, But I Have Nothing to Say

I want to update everybody, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I will probably add another entry or two having to do with my last post, and the response to it, but as of right now, I just feel stuck. I know that this is a recurring theme on my blog at this point, but it is true.

The sad thing is, I know myself. I know how I react to certain things. If I think I am going to be rejected from something, I will either not even try to get into it, or I will reject it before it has the chance to reject me. Granted, I have been working on this for a couple of years now, and have been more than willing to apply to places and programs that are not a sure thing, but now, I can feel myself pushing away from the Peace Corps.

On the one hand, I want this with every fiber of my being. I have wanted this for so long. But I can literally feel myself trying to emotionally distance myself from my dream of the Peace Corps. It's hard to explain, but I will try. I have these questions constantly running through my mind: Is this something that you really want? Can you handle this? What about the bugs/heat/cold/meat/etc? What about your political views? What about staying on the up and up with pop culture?

These are unnecessary questions. Of course I am more than willing to give up everything and move to a new place where I don't know anybody. I've done this before, numerous times. It's just that this process takes so long. So many hours of filling out applications and making appointments and sending emails and talking to people. Is it worth it? Of course.

It is worth every painful second, every stroke of impatience, every question that runs along my neurons. But it is still difficult. I often speak in terms of my rational mind and my emotional mind, because they are two vastly different creatures. In my rational mind, I know there is a reason that so much of this process is waiting and filling out paperwork and making sure that I am healthy. But my rational mind also wonders why I am putting a career on hold for this when there is so much other volunteering I could be doing. My emotional mind just wants to get out there and help people and is not satisfied with all of this waiting. My emotional mind is also terrified of being rejected and thinks maybe I should slink away from this quietly while I still have my dignity.

That last paragraph makes me sound slightly insane, but it is actually how I approach a lot of what I do in my life...

Like I said, I wanted to write but I have nothing new to say, really. I just want to document this torturous feeling for the future, so that if(when) I finally get my invitation, I can look back and be all "hindsight is 20/20, past Mary, no need to worry."

Have a great weekend!

I Was Raped In A Foreign Country

In my life, I have been raped twice. The first time, I was at school. That's not what this post is about. The second time it happened, I was in a different country...

Being a victim of rape sucks. There is absolutely no other way to say it, and I'm not going to try to appeal to a twisted sense of decency to say that it is anything but terrible, disgusting, and dehumanizing.

Being a victim a second time sucks twice as hard, because then you start to question yourself (moreso, if you didn't the first time). "Did I do something to cause this?" "Was it something I said or did or wore?" "Am I just looking at this the wrong way?"

Having this go down in a foreign country sucks even worse. "Did I say something that would culturally make him/her think s/he could act this way?" "Is this what normally happens?" "If I tell people, will they blame me for having traveled here?" "How do I report this, and to whom?" And the number one question: "Will they even believe me?"

Why am I writing this?
- Because I am following my own advice, the "if you have the capability to talk about something that happened to you, do it" advice from a few posts ago.
- Because the fact that I love to travel does not mean that I have always had good experiences.
- Because it happens a lot more often than anybody who is trying to get you to travel would like you to believe.
- Because the stories from Take Back the Night last year about women who studied abroad and were raped abroad pulled at my heartstrings. Also, the sheer number of women who said that it had happened to them makes me sick.
- Because study abroad packets don't prepare you for this shit.
- Because despite this, I still do what I love, and you can too. Healing takes time and everybody is on a different "schedule" of sorts.
- Because I do rape crisis counseling, and hearing even one story can inspire somebody to come forward with their own, because they don't feel so alone.

I am not writing this for attention. If you think so, you can get the f*ck off of my blog, because I don't want your twisted rationale messing up my writing space. 

I'm not going to get into specifics here, except to say that it was scary. At first, I didn't know what to call it. I didn't even actually call it "rape" until about a year after it happened, after a lot of processing of the situation. I didn't press charges, and, in fact, I didn't do anything. I'm pretty sure the guy has no idea what he did.

This is not to say that what he did is okay. It is the opposite of okay. It is appalling.

Rape is hardly discussed, even if you watch Law & Order: SVU or go to your school's Take Back the Night. And even when it is discussed, a lot of times myths abound: stranger rape, rape is about sex not power, don't go out at night, watch your drink, etc. It is almost never discussed in terms of traveling or studying abroad.

How many young women and men study abroad every year? Thousands upon thousands. When you take into account the percentage of people of each sex raped in their lifetime, there have to be more than a few rapes of US citizens that occur outside of the borders of the USA. How do we handle this? How do we help these people? Correct me if I am wrong, but I'm not aware of any campaign to help publicize rape crisis resources for those abroad.

I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post, other than to say that if this has happened to you, you are not alone. Feel free to email me, or leave an anonymous comment, or whatever. What happened is not your fault, and you shouldn't feel ashamed. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise.

This Month Had Been Hard

In terms of my future, I feel like I am running on a treadmill; I am working my ass off but not moving anywhere. I can feel the changes but nobody else can see the progress. I hate this feeling.

In terms of Peace Corps-related things, this month has been incredibly hard to handle. I read a lot of PC blogs, follow the updates on facebook, and leap at the chance to peruse articles or books on the subject of the Peace Corps. To say that I am obsessed would be an understatement.

So why is *this* month so hard? Because it has been a year since I was nominated. In June of last year, I thought I only had a few more months in this country, and that I would be leaving at the beginning of this year to try something new. I would be running away from my past and towards my future. This is not currently what is happening... well, maybe it is, but in a different sense I guess.

I'm not even close to leaving. Heck, I haven't even gotten my "real" Medical Packet yet. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel like I am running towards something that is forever out of the grasp of my hands. Sometimes I think this is never going to happen.

Obviously, these times are the worst, but I know that I can make it. In middle school, high school felt so far away. In high school, college felt so far away. In college, the Peace Corps felt so far away. I think what gets me most about PC, is that there is no set time limit. When I was in school, I knew exactly how many years I would have to put in to get the output I desired. Now, it is less so. It is an any moment thing. It is wondrous and terrifying and gives me an uneasy butterfly feeling in my stomach.

In the meantime, I am registered for all of the pre-med classes (well, the part 1s anyway) that I have to take in order to go to Medical School. This is really happening, I am really starting this journey. This too is terrifying. I may actually accomplish something in my short life.

I would say sorry for babbling, but this is my blog: my words and feelings, and you should never be sorry for what you are feeling.

Throwback: May 18, 2009

May 18th, 2009 was the first day of the trip that changed my life for the better. It was the day I left the U.S. to travel to Tanzania for the first (and so far, only) time in my life. I think it's fun to reflect on past thoughts, so here is my journal entry from that date. My, how much things change, and how much they stay the same!

-



So my first notebook isn't an actual notebook. It's this thing, this puzzle book. I remembered everything else but I forgot to pack myself a notebook. :( Right now, I'm sitting in the airport wondering what the hell I am doing. Why did I have to do this now? I've only been home a week and I already have to re-leave everyone I love. I want to cry and scream and cry some more. I am so stupid. No, I really want to do this. I need adventure in my life, something to challenge me, something to change me for the better. Besides, if I can't handle 2 months, how am I supposed to last 2 years in the Peace Corps? I just have to suck it up and live with it. I think I would feel a whole hell of a lot better about this if I had my cell phone and it worked overseas. I'm nervous and scared and I didn't want to leave so soon. I just want to spend time with my family and relax and enjoy summer. But I also just want to do something different, out of the ordinary, something challenging to me. I mean, something that challenges me. I need to know that this is what I want to do, that this is something I was made to do.

Today, I turned 23.

Another year older, another year wiser. A time to reflect, hence the previous posts.

What have I done in the past year?
- Moved to San Diego from LA
- Moved back to NJ
- Got a job as a tutor (that I still have)
- Got a job at a large retail bookstore (that I still have)
- Became a doula (though not certified yet)
- Took some awesome classes, and got A's in all but one
- Witnessed a birth
- Took a train across the U.S.
- Was finally home for some family parties
- Got my College Diploma
- Redecorated my room
- Got into 2 car accidents
- Almost died
- Started my longest relationship yet
- Made an awesome Halloween costume
- Was interviewed for TV because of my Luna Lovegood costume
- Trained to work on an Online Hotline
- Met some amazing, awesome, wonderful people
- Went back to LA to see my little graduate
- Spent time with my best friends
- Got rid of around 10 boxes of things
- Read a lot of books
- Started (and finished) two new TV shows that I am now obsessed with
- Became a Who-vian
- Helped people
- Grew

I love surveying the last year before the next one begins. It really reminds me of how much you can accomplish in a short period of time.

Peace (-<)

Peace Corps: Updating the Medical System... fun!

Tuesday I got a call from the Pre-Service Nurse. Here is the message she left me, word for word:

"Hi. This is a message for M.F. My name is L-. I'm calling from the Pre-Service Department at the Peace Corps Office of Medical Services. I'm the nurse team lead and G- has forwarded a message to me and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. So you're in the situation where you're going to be one of our in-between people who a medical review is partially started because of your pended condition that required an initial review but you won't be able to send in a physical by the deadline because you haven't gotten it yet. So what we are advising folks in your situation to do is, you know continue to, if you have the updated forms for the pended condition to send in at the point where you are able to send them in again that updated evaluation we could have it reviewed, see if that particular issue can be cleared at that time but we will have you hold off until the new system goes live in August before you complete a new health history form and then continue with the process. At that point it'll probably flag the same conditions again but we'll have the paperwork on file and we can make a notation about that and move you along. So my number is 202-XXX-XXXX if you have any other specific questions. Otherwise what we'll ask you to do, is that if when the new system comes up, if you don't receive any kind of notification about completing a new health history form by the time of, let's say, the 3rd week in August, that if you could reach out to us again either through email or call me and we'll see what we need to do to maneuver you in the system to keep you moving along in this process and so I hope that's helpful for you. And if you have any other questions my number again is 202-XXX-XXXX."

Interesting. That is, by the way, the voicemail, word for word, without the "um"s. This is really good information to know. This is in response to this email, send 5/22:

Hello G-!

I have been trying to call the OMS, but I keep getting transferred to the wrong place, so I thought I would just send an email. I have a few questions.

1. My Peace Corps "Mytoolkit" has said that I sent my Medical forms in on June of last year, but that isn't correct. I only sent the Mental Health forms. Is there any way to correct this so that when I do send in my actual forms, this is what it says? I would just like to make sure that I know where I am in the process.

2. I know a few people who are also applying but in the last stages of Medical who got emails saying that they have to send in all of their forms by July 9th of this year, otherwise they won't be able to send them in or get them reviewed until after August. Is this true? I never got that email.

3. I heard that the Peace Corps is updating the application system to streamline the process in August. Is there any way I can put off my Medical until it is streamlined, or would that not include me since I already sent in my application and had my interview and nomination? I know that there is no guarantee that my deferral will be lifted come June, but I just would like to know my options.

Thank you so much! I know that these are a lot of questions and I know how much work you have to do in the Office of Medical services, but I am in limbo right now and had no idea who to contact.

Thanks again!

-

I know I sound like such a suck up, but I definitely did not want it to sound like I was hounding them.

I'm very glad to finally know what it going on though, and I'm thankful that the Nurse took time out of her day to call me. It calms my nerves to know what exactly is going on, and that I will get a second chance at filling out the Health Forms. haha. Now I just have to find the updated mental health forms that they sent me earlier so that I can have them filled out and sent back.

Hope this is helpful to the Peace Corps people out there! Have a great weekend!