I Want to Write, But I Have Nothing to Say

I want to update everybody, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I will probably add another entry or two having to do with my last post, and the response to it, but as of right now, I just feel stuck. I know that this is a recurring theme on my blog at this point, but it is true.

The sad thing is, I know myself. I know how I react to certain things. If I think I am going to be rejected from something, I will either not even try to get into it, or I will reject it before it has the chance to reject me. Granted, I have been working on this for a couple of years now, and have been more than willing to apply to places and programs that are not a sure thing, but now, I can feel myself pushing away from the Peace Corps.

On the one hand, I want this with every fiber of my being. I have wanted this for so long. But I can literally feel myself trying to emotionally distance myself from my dream of the Peace Corps. It's hard to explain, but I will try. I have these questions constantly running through my mind: Is this something that you really want? Can you handle this? What about the bugs/heat/cold/meat/etc? What about your political views? What about staying on the up and up with pop culture?

These are unnecessary questions. Of course I am more than willing to give up everything and move to a new place where I don't know anybody. I've done this before, numerous times. It's just that this process takes so long. So many hours of filling out applications and making appointments and sending emails and talking to people. Is it worth it? Of course.

It is worth every painful second, every stroke of impatience, every question that runs along my neurons. But it is still difficult. I often speak in terms of my rational mind and my emotional mind, because they are two vastly different creatures. In my rational mind, I know there is a reason that so much of this process is waiting and filling out paperwork and making sure that I am healthy. But my rational mind also wonders why I am putting a career on hold for this when there is so much other volunteering I could be doing. My emotional mind just wants to get out there and help people and is not satisfied with all of this waiting. My emotional mind is also terrified of being rejected and thinks maybe I should slink away from this quietly while I still have my dignity.

That last paragraph makes me sound slightly insane, but it is actually how I approach a lot of what I do in my life...

Like I said, I wanted to write but I have nothing new to say, really. I just want to document this torturous feeling for the future, so that if(when) I finally get my invitation, I can look back and be all "hindsight is 20/20, past Mary, no need to worry."

Have a great weekend!

I Was Raped In A Foreign Country

In my life, I have been raped twice. The first time, I was at school. That's not what this post is about. The second time it happened, I was in a different country...

Being a victim of rape sucks. There is absolutely no other way to say it, and I'm not going to try to appeal to a twisted sense of decency to say that it is anything but terrible, disgusting, and dehumanizing.

Being a victim a second time sucks twice as hard, because then you start to question yourself (moreso, if you didn't the first time). "Did I do something to cause this?" "Was it something I said or did or wore?" "Am I just looking at this the wrong way?"

Having this go down in a foreign country sucks even worse. "Did I say something that would culturally make him/her think s/he could act this way?" "Is this what normally happens?" "If I tell people, will they blame me for having traveled here?" "How do I report this, and to whom?" And the number one question: "Will they even believe me?"

Why am I writing this?
- Because I am following my own advice, the "if you have the capability to talk about something that happened to you, do it" advice from a few posts ago.
- Because the fact that I love to travel does not mean that I have always had good experiences.
- Because it happens a lot more often than anybody who is trying to get you to travel would like you to believe.
- Because the stories from Take Back the Night last year about women who studied abroad and were raped abroad pulled at my heartstrings. Also, the sheer number of women who said that it had happened to them makes me sick.
- Because study abroad packets don't prepare you for this shit.
- Because despite this, I still do what I love, and you can too. Healing takes time and everybody is on a different "schedule" of sorts.
- Because I do rape crisis counseling, and hearing even one story can inspire somebody to come forward with their own, because they don't feel so alone.

I am not writing this for attention. If you think so, you can get the f*ck off of my blog, because I don't want your twisted rationale messing up my writing space. 

I'm not going to get into specifics here, except to say that it was scary. At first, I didn't know what to call it. I didn't even actually call it "rape" until about a year after it happened, after a lot of processing of the situation. I didn't press charges, and, in fact, I didn't do anything. I'm pretty sure the guy has no idea what he did.

This is not to say that what he did is okay. It is the opposite of okay. It is appalling.

Rape is hardly discussed, even if you watch Law & Order: SVU or go to your school's Take Back the Night. And even when it is discussed, a lot of times myths abound: stranger rape, rape is about sex not power, don't go out at night, watch your drink, etc. It is almost never discussed in terms of traveling or studying abroad.

How many young women and men study abroad every year? Thousands upon thousands. When you take into account the percentage of people of each sex raped in their lifetime, there have to be more than a few rapes of US citizens that occur outside of the borders of the USA. How do we handle this? How do we help these people? Correct me if I am wrong, but I'm not aware of any campaign to help publicize rape crisis resources for those abroad.

I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post, other than to say that if this has happened to you, you are not alone. Feel free to email me, or leave an anonymous comment, or whatever. What happened is not your fault, and you shouldn't feel ashamed. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise.

This Month Had Been Hard

In terms of my future, I feel like I am running on a treadmill; I am working my ass off but not moving anywhere. I can feel the changes but nobody else can see the progress. I hate this feeling.

In terms of Peace Corps-related things, this month has been incredibly hard to handle. I read a lot of PC blogs, follow the updates on facebook, and leap at the chance to peruse articles or books on the subject of the Peace Corps. To say that I am obsessed would be an understatement.

So why is *this* month so hard? Because it has been a year since I was nominated. In June of last year, I thought I only had a few more months in this country, and that I would be leaving at the beginning of this year to try something new. I would be running away from my past and towards my future. This is not currently what is happening... well, maybe it is, but in a different sense I guess.

I'm not even close to leaving. Heck, I haven't even gotten my "real" Medical Packet yet. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel like I am running towards something that is forever out of the grasp of my hands. Sometimes I think this is never going to happen.

Obviously, these times are the worst, but I know that I can make it. In middle school, high school felt so far away. In high school, college felt so far away. In college, the Peace Corps felt so far away. I think what gets me most about PC, is that there is no set time limit. When I was in school, I knew exactly how many years I would have to put in to get the output I desired. Now, it is less so. It is an any moment thing. It is wondrous and terrifying and gives me an uneasy butterfly feeling in my stomach.

In the meantime, I am registered for all of the pre-med classes (well, the part 1s anyway) that I have to take in order to go to Medical School. This is really happening, I am really starting this journey. This too is terrifying. I may actually accomplish something in my short life.

I would say sorry for babbling, but this is my blog: my words and feelings, and you should never be sorry for what you are feeling.

Throwback: May 18, 2009

May 18th, 2009 was the first day of the trip that changed my life for the better. It was the day I left the U.S. to travel to Tanzania for the first (and so far, only) time in my life. I think it's fun to reflect on past thoughts, so here is my journal entry from that date. My, how much things change, and how much they stay the same!

-



So my first notebook isn't an actual notebook. It's this thing, this puzzle book. I remembered everything else but I forgot to pack myself a notebook. :( Right now, I'm sitting in the airport wondering what the hell I am doing. Why did I have to do this now? I've only been home a week and I already have to re-leave everyone I love. I want to cry and scream and cry some more. I am so stupid. No, I really want to do this. I need adventure in my life, something to challenge me, something to change me for the better. Besides, if I can't handle 2 months, how am I supposed to last 2 years in the Peace Corps? I just have to suck it up and live with it. I think I would feel a whole hell of a lot better about this if I had my cell phone and it worked overseas. I'm nervous and scared and I didn't want to leave so soon. I just want to spend time with my family and relax and enjoy summer. But I also just want to do something different, out of the ordinary, something challenging to me. I mean, something that challenges me. I need to know that this is what I want to do, that this is something I was made to do.

Today, I turned 23.

Another year older, another year wiser. A time to reflect, hence the previous posts.

What have I done in the past year?
- Moved to San Diego from LA
- Moved back to NJ
- Got a job as a tutor (that I still have)
- Got a job at a large retail bookstore (that I still have)
- Became a doula (though not certified yet)
- Took some awesome classes, and got A's in all but one
- Witnessed a birth
- Took a train across the U.S.
- Was finally home for some family parties
- Got my College Diploma
- Redecorated my room
- Got into 2 car accidents
- Almost died
- Started my longest relationship yet
- Made an awesome Halloween costume
- Was interviewed for TV because of my Luna Lovegood costume
- Trained to work on an Online Hotline
- Met some amazing, awesome, wonderful people
- Went back to LA to see my little graduate
- Spent time with my best friends
- Got rid of around 10 boxes of things
- Read a lot of books
- Started (and finished) two new TV shows that I am now obsessed with
- Became a Who-vian
- Helped people
- Grew

I love surveying the last year before the next one begins. It really reminds me of how much you can accomplish in a short period of time.

Peace (-<)

Peace Corps: Updating the Medical System... fun!

Tuesday I got a call from the Pre-Service Nurse. Here is the message she left me, word for word:

"Hi. This is a message for M.F. My name is L-. I'm calling from the Pre-Service Department at the Peace Corps Office of Medical Services. I'm the nurse team lead and G- has forwarded a message to me and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. So you're in the situation where you're going to be one of our in-between people who a medical review is partially started because of your pended condition that required an initial review but you won't be able to send in a physical by the deadline because you haven't gotten it yet. So what we are advising folks in your situation to do is, you know continue to, if you have the updated forms for the pended condition to send in at the point where you are able to send them in again that updated evaluation we could have it reviewed, see if that particular issue can be cleared at that time but we will have you hold off until the new system goes live in August before you complete a new health history form and then continue with the process. At that point it'll probably flag the same conditions again but we'll have the paperwork on file and we can make a notation about that and move you along. So my number is 202-XXX-XXXX if you have any other specific questions. Otherwise what we'll ask you to do, is that if when the new system comes up, if you don't receive any kind of notification about completing a new health history form by the time of, let's say, the 3rd week in August, that if you could reach out to us again either through email or call me and we'll see what we need to do to maneuver you in the system to keep you moving along in this process and so I hope that's helpful for you. And if you have any other questions my number again is 202-XXX-XXXX."

Interesting. That is, by the way, the voicemail, word for word, without the "um"s. This is really good information to know. This is in response to this email, send 5/22:

Hello G-!

I have been trying to call the OMS, but I keep getting transferred to the wrong place, so I thought I would just send an email. I have a few questions.

1. My Peace Corps "Mytoolkit" has said that I sent my Medical forms in on June of last year, but that isn't correct. I only sent the Mental Health forms. Is there any way to correct this so that when I do send in my actual forms, this is what it says? I would just like to make sure that I know where I am in the process.

2. I know a few people who are also applying but in the last stages of Medical who got emails saying that they have to send in all of their forms by July 9th of this year, otherwise they won't be able to send them in or get them reviewed until after August. Is this true? I never got that email.

3. I heard that the Peace Corps is updating the application system to streamline the process in August. Is there any way I can put off my Medical until it is streamlined, or would that not include me since I already sent in my application and had my interview and nomination? I know that there is no guarantee that my deferral will be lifted come June, but I just would like to know my options.

Thank you so much! I know that these are a lot of questions and I know how much work you have to do in the Office of Medical services, but I am in limbo right now and had no idea who to contact.

Thanks again!

-

I know I sound like such a suck up, but I definitely did not want it to sound like I was hounding them.

I'm very glad to finally know what it going on though, and I'm thankful that the Nurse took time out of her day to call me. It calms my nerves to know what exactly is going on, and that I will get a second chance at filling out the Health Forms. haha. Now I just have to find the updated mental health forms that they sent me earlier so that I can have them filled out and sent back.

Hope this is helpful to the Peace Corps people out there! Have a great weekend!

Advice

I'm not sure I'm the right person to go to for advice, to be honest. I've been through a lot in my short life, yes, but I have not always been able to see clearly enough to make the right choices. I tend to be the person that you come to when you want to have a serious talk or you want a shoulder to cry on. I'm not sure how well my advice has served my friends over the years (Friends, if my advice has helped, feel free to let me know! haha).

So why am I about to write an entire blog post of advice for those entering college soon (or already in college)? Because I received this message on one of the social media websites that I use, and I just couldn't get it out of my head:
I really related to your blog post about the past five years of your life. I'm graduating from high school today and I have such huge plans for college, and I too plan to join the Peace Corps. The fact that it wasn't at all what you expected excites me. So thank you for encouraging my motivation and elation. :D
I found myself wanting to write back to this person with all of these little pieces of things that I have learned since high school, and even in high school. So I'm going to write them here. Maybe they can help somebody else along the way.

Mary's 9 Pieces of Life Advice

1. Decide which things in life you want to take seriously, and which ones you would rather joke about. You will save yourself a lot of frustration later on.
So what is this supposed to mean, especially in light of the "Don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive" crowd? It means that there are definitely things in life you should take seriously. I'm not here to tell you which of those things in your life you should take seriously, just that you should have something that means enough to you that you definitely do not want to lose it. What do I take seriously? My personal beliefs, my future, and helping people, not necessarily in that order. It doesn't mean that you have to be serious all the time; decide where your values lie.

2. You can always change your mind. About anything. (Even sex). So, you may think that this in opposition to what I said previously, but if there is one thing that I have learned in growing up, it is that you can always change your mind, even about your most closely held values. But, it has to be you who changes your mind; don't let another person do that for you. Do not be afraid to do research on a topic; the more you know, the better off you are in your opinions on the matter. Don't take anything anybody says at face value. There are wonderful people out there, but there are also liars and those who would say anything to get somebody to do something that would benefit them.

3. Do not be afraid to go for it! Any of it! Ask somebody out. Put yourself out there. Join a club. Put yourself in the position to meet new people.
Some of my best friends (and let's face it for those who know me, some of my best stories) have resulted from just doing something out of the ordinary. Going to a party alone. Watching movies with somebody who you may not know too well. Taking a class in something that is not in your major but you have always had interest in. Asking somebody out... Don't be afraid of the embarrassment; it passes. I have had both side of the experience of asking somebody out: the first time resulted in complete and utter embarrassment on so many levels, but it is such a great story to laugh about these days, whereas the second time, a beautiful, wonderful, amazing relationship resulted that enriched my life so much at the time. (Pro tip: If, by some chance, you are as weird/creative as I am, do not, under any circumstances, ask the person out using a hand-made, glittery, pop-up card on Valentine's Day written in a completely different language. Do not do this unless you are 99.99% sure that the person you like may like you back. There, I just saved you from an epic amount of embarrassment.)

4. You will regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did. Unless you wind up in jail. Then, this advice doesn't apply.
But seriously, people told me this over and over and I didn't listen. I can tell you now, from the "hindsight is 20/20" perspective, this is absolutely true. I regret not continuing with certain clubs. I regret not asking certain people out. I regret not fully exploring more nights out and less nights sleeping, even though I needed the sleep. I regret not getting to know people that showed an interest in me. I have far fewer regrets about anything I have actually done, and none that I can think of at the moment.

5. Travel! I cannot say this enough! Travel, Travel, TRAVEL!
There is a lot to be learned from traveling. You can meet people you never knew existed, learn about problems that you didn't even know about, and in the process, you can learn so much about yourself. How much comfort can you do without? Are you happy in a crowd of people that look nothing like you? Can you enjoy time spent in relative silence? How long can you go without the internet? How many bodily functions can embarrass you along the way? You can learn the answers to all of these questions and more, just by traveling. Even if you don't travel to another country, travel to a different city. If you spend a lot of time in the suburbs, go somewhere rural for a day or two. Same for the city. If you spend a lot of time in the middle of nowhere, go spend a few days in the city. It is amazing how different life can be only a few miles from where you are now. And if you can't take time off to travel? Explore your town. You'd be surprised the things there are to find.

6. There is more out there to learn than looks like it. Do something that you think is impossible, because it probably is not as bad as it seems.
Don't be afraid to do something just for you. I was absolutely terrified of heights, and I bungee jumped, just to prove to myself that I couldn't let fear take over my life. And it was amazing! I promise you, that when you think you cannot do something, and you end up doing it, you will feel so good about yourself afterwards. Want to write a book but aren't that good with grammar? Do it anyway, and have a friend help you edit it! Want to take a class that looks really hard? Take it pass/fail and do your best, or, if you have the time to devote to it, take it for a grade and work your butt off. My sophomore year, I took a Civil and Political Rights and Liberties class that I thought was going to be the death of me. I could not, for the life of me, memorize all of the cases that we were supposed to memorize, but, with a little advice from a teacher, and a bit of help from a sorority sister, I managed to pull the C- up to a B+. I have never been so proud of a B+ in my life. Push your own limits, but also know your limits. Don't worry about looking foolish! We've all been there.

7. If something "bad" happens, and you have the capability and mental capacity to talk about it, share. I promise you that not only will you be helping people who have also gone through that, or will go through that, but you will be surprised at the amount of support that comes out of the woodwork.
I'm going to get a little personal on this one, but hey, this is my blog, and I can do what I want. It is hard to go through bad things, but we are human, and bad things will happen. Some people have issues with mental illness, and I count myself among them. It is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a stigma because we allow this stigma to be there. Listen to what Harvey Milk said (this applies to being gay, but can also really apply to anything that has stigma surrounding it): "Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene." This is such a great quote to live by! Break down the myths that surround whatever you may be going through, whether it is family issues, money issues, issues with school, any and all of it. That's what friends are for. I thought, that when I announced to my sorority that I was going to be telling my story as the first person in the "Survivor Speak-Out" during Take Back the Night my senior year of college, only my few closest friends in the house would come out to support me. But so many more women came out to show an extraordinary level of support for something that not many people like to talk about. It was amazing.
If, however, something bad happens and you feel you have nobody to turn to, do not forget that every college campus has a counseling center, and usually their services are free. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went to mine more than once, and they can really help. At my school, they had support groups for all kinds of different things: homesickness, relationships, trouble in school. There is always somebody out there will to support you; don't be afraid to let them.

8. Work, if only part time. But, definitely work.
Not only will your wallet thank you, but so will your resume. A part time job during college can be a great source of spending money and experience, especially if it is doing something you either love or hate. Look at it this way: If you love it, awesome, it's not really work, it's just something you do that happens to give you money. If you hate it, great, now you know you need to work hard in class so you never have to work in that kind of job again. It's win/win. But don't break your back working too hard, especially because you should have time to enjoy yourselves, which brings us to the last piece of advice...

9. Have fun! Sometimes, you need to just not give a damn and do something that you want to do. As long as you aren't hurting anybody, go for it. Enjoy your life! You only get one.

If any readers have any more pieces of life advice to give, please feel free to leave them in the comments. If I get enough, I may do another post!

June 4, 2007

On this date 5 years ago, I graduated from high school, ready and willing to take on the world.

In these past 5 years, so much has happened. I have traveled to more places than I ever dreamed possible. I have had absolutely frightening, absolutely enthralling, and absolutely wonderful experiences. I have made friends that I hope I never lose. I have proven to myself that I can do things that I never thought possible. I have been in love and been loved. I have survived. I have thrived. I have discovered the beauty around me. I have cried over loss, cried from happiness, and cried for no other reason than to get it out of my system.

5 years ago today, I didn't yet know what happened to Harry Potter in his final search for Voldemort. I had not reached age 18 yet. I had absolutely no thoughts of joining a sorority, and was, in fact, celebrating my "Most Unique" title. I had no idea what a big or a little was, or how special they could be, and how much they could mean to me. I had never lived on my own for more than 3 weeks. I had never owned a Macbook. I hadn't had anything tattooed or pierced (besides my ears). I had never been to Ireland, Tanzania, or Nicaragua, nor did I even spare a thought that they could possibly be in my future. I hadn't lost my aunt to cancer... I didn't even know she had cancer. I didn't outright identify as a feminist, though I always had the tendencies. I only had 9 cousins, and nobody was married or had children. I had never been in a "serious" relationship. I hadn't yet made my Luna Lovegood costume for the midnight release party. I hadn't yet fallen in with the two best friends a girl could ask for. I had drive, but I had no idea what I was going to use it for. I had not been to hospital because of my own stupid mistakes. I had not yet found what I currently consider to be my calling.

5 years can seem like a long time, and yet no time at all. I can still distinctly remember sitting in Continental Airlines Arena, listening to the head honcho drone on, counting every name on the list so I could figure out the exact number of people I was graduating with. I remember being cold and hot at the same time. I remember searching for my parents' faces in the crowd. I remember yelling at my aunt and uncle. I remember how nervous I was to walk across the stage, how much I felt like I was going to trip. I remember singing in the choir during different parts of the graduation. I remember listening to a speech I thought was excellent, and then a speech I felt was lackluster. Or vice versa. I remember thinking how stupid it was that girls had to wear white, especially because it could be extra embarrassing if a little something should come early.

It's been over a year since I graduated college as well, and yet it still doesn't feel real... Life is a crazy journey!

-

On a Peace Corps related note, I update my "Timeline" to include an email I sent out over a week ago that I am still waiting to hear back on. Once I do, I will make it into a post.

Los Angeles

It was wonderful to finally get out to LA after a (very) long 8-month wait. I really missed my friends, I missed the area, and I missed the sunshine. I missed the heat. I missed the traffic on the 10 and the 405. I missed Diddy Riese, In-N-Out, and yes, even Del Taco. I missed USC. I missed South Central. I basically missed everything there was to miss and not to miss.

I felt free for the first time in months. I felt like me again.

I know that I am eventually going to have to move out there, without a doubt. I know I don't belong on the East Coast, but this is where I am at the moment and I am trying to make the best of it in every way possible. I even applied for a *real* job today! I am more than likely not going to get it, but a girl can dream, can't she? Ha!

I'm upset that I did not get to see as many people as I wanted to see, nor as many sights as I wanted to see, but I finally did do the hike in Griffith Park. One week was way too short.

On the Peace Corps front, I have definitely decided to put off leaving until at least next August. If I get the job that I applied for, I can plan my class schedule in such a way that I will have all of my classes done by next August, at which point I will be ready to leave. Hopefully, I can squeeze the MCAT in there somewhere, but we know that plans always change. Here's to hoping!