Paperwork Galore!

I haven't even gotten all of my Medical Paperwork yet, and I still feel overwhelmed by all of it. Between the Cambodian Visa, the Peace Corps Passport, and all of the materials that I have to read about Cambodia, I feel swamped. I've written my Aspiration Statement, and I hate it, so I'm hoping to edit and maybe re-edit it some more until I find it adequate. I haven't even done the resume portion yet.

This is going to be interesting...

INVITATION!!

Last night, I received my invitation. I'm going to...

That's right! I'll be going to Cambodia.

...

What will I be doing there?

Community Health Education! My job title specifically is "Health Education Extension Agent."

...

Have I accepted my invitation?

Of course!

...

It's actually happening! I can't believe it! It's actually happening!

I'm going to be a member of the Peace Corps! I've dreamed of this moment for over a decade.

...


I promise that a more detailed post will come later, but for the next few days I want to bask in the glory of this invitation. When the paperwork comes, well, I will probably write a post to procrastinate! Haha

I am Terrified. Absolutely terrified, and tired. So tired.

So what is this post about? My current feelings regarding leaving for the Peace Corps, since it is actually going to happen! It's only a matter of time...

I want to preface this by saying I like to be 100% honest in my blog posts. I won't sugarcoat my feelings, but rather, I will lay them out raw and unprocessed, for you to digest in your own way. With that being said...

I am downright, absolutely, beyond all measure terrified. And that is exhilarating to an extent, but it is also making me nervous. I know that it is okay to be afraid, and that this is a completely normal response to the unknown, since, at the moment, I have no idea where I am going or when I am leaving.

I am scared of leaving the comfort of my home. I am scared of leaving the people I care for dearly. I'm scared of the possibility that I may never see some of them again, through acts of fate or through old age or just through plain bad circumstances. I'm scared of changing for the worse; hell, I'm scared of changing for the better. I like who I am at this moment in time. I am finally 99% comfortable with who I am and what I believe, and I'm about the shake that up. I know that the experience will irreversibly change me. I'm open to it, and afraid.

I'm scared of so many of the normal things that come with moving on to new things: Will the other volunteers like me? Will I like my host family? Will I like where I live? What if I do something embarrassing? I've "started over," in a sense, so many times before that I know that these feelings are completely normal and come with the territory. But, knowing that I am starting over in a culture probably completely different from my own is amplifying these questions in my mind.

It's no wonder I'm tired when I spend a good portion of my day thinking about these things! But these are not the only reason I am tired...

I'm tired of people questioning my sanity, my intentions, and my future. One of the families that I tutor for has been rather mean about the whole thing: "What about your schooling? What about the MCAT? Don't you think you should stay until you are done completely? I think you should stay and wait to do this later; it really is in your best interest." No, just no. I have been working for you for 8 months, but I have to known I have wanted to do this for the past decade of my life, and I'm the one who has to live with myself in the end. I can always replicate schooling. I cannot replicate everything that the Peace Corps has to offer.

I'm tired of certain people looking at this as a joke, as another phase. It isn't. I have never been so set on something in my entire life. Why would I waste 2 years trying to get in if it wasn't what I truly wanted?

I'm just tired of having to explain myself, honestly. I want to do this. I know that I've wanted to do this for a very long time. There is just so much that can come from this experience.

I'm tired of answering why, but I will continue to, because my answer is "Why not?"

I will follow my dreams. I will not let fear guide me.

So Many Updates!

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Between 30 hours of tutoring a week, and a full course load (Bio, Chem, Physics, & Calc), I haven't had much of a spare moment, but...

I did hear from Peace Corps.

So basically, I had to re-start from the beginning, sort of. I had to fill out the application, which took me about 4 hours one night (yay for saving the first time around). So I did that, but then there was some confusion, so I was going through the beginning of the application process and Medical Pre-Clearance at the same time. I got Medically Cleared (FINALLY!), and then I had my interview and was told I would be nominated. My recruiter was really nice, and was totally on my side.

 I interviewed on Friday, February 8th, (exactly 2 years and 1 week from my original interview), and was nominated on Valentine's Day after checking in with my recruiter. No leave date, no placement, no region, just that I was nominated.

I called the Placement Officer I had spoken to in December last Wednesday, after emailing the previous Friday but hearing nothing, and he called me back within 2 hours to explain that I was basically at Placement, they just had to wait until my Applicant Portal was updated. He said I would know within a few weeks, and that I would most likely be leaving in June or July. I checked on Tuesday, and that has been updated to Legal Clearance, so now I'm just waiting. I emailed my Placement Officer today, so I'm hoping to hear tomorrow, especially since last Friday there was an influx of Invitations, according to the Facebook Group.

So now we wait.

But FINALLY! Yay!

The Little Things

- Waking up in a new city after traveling a long distance, and feeling nothing but refreshed and ready to explore. And maybe a little sick.
- Meeting a new friend in a hostel.
- The way, when the night is just dark enough, and there are just the right amount of cars on the street, watching the taillights in front of you makes it look like people are driving into the sky.
- That first hug from that special person after being away for awhile.
- Getting behind the wheel after a 2 month hiatus.
- Climbing a steep hill, friends and pineapples in tow, and watching the sun set over the mountains in the distance.
- Peeing in a hole, and then the subsequent joy of finding a Western toilet.
- Water pressure after long periods of bucket showers.
- Feeling comfortable, even if you can't speak a word of the local language.
- Laughing with your home stay family, because it is the only way you can communicate.
- Dubbed soap operas.
- Fast internet access.
- Finding love in a place you never thought possible.
- Walking everywhere, and feeling the effect it has on your mood, your mind, and your body.
- Fresh tropical fruit.
- Clothes that fit perfectly, because they were tailored that way.
- Seeing social justice in action.
- Instant coffee on a 40+ train ride.
- Friends who also have the travel bug.
- Sleeping on airplanes.
- Sleeping on trains.
- Sleeping in cars.
- Sleeping in airports.
- The wind whipping your hair across your face as you pass a national monument, for free.
- Eating strange food, and discovering you like it.
- Not realizing you picked up local slang until someone points it out.
- Chocolate after a hard day.
- Waterfalls.
- Castle ruins.
- Watching the sun rise over the Atlantic.
- Watching the sun set over the Pacific.
- Warm sand and cold salt water.

Making an Impact

I know I may get in trouble for this, but it has to be said in order to make my point for the post, as it is where my inspiration hit: My dad got laid off this week. My dad has worked for the company his entire life, and they decided that they didn't need him anymore, which is pretty ungrateful of them if you ask me.

The biggest thing I have gleaned from this event, after speaking to my dad is that he made such an impact on the people that worked for him, that some of them cried when he was laid off. He didn't even cry when he was laid off. For somebody to shed tears for the unfortunate events that befall another human being... that takes a connection, a deep connection. Shallow connections are easily made and easily broken, but deeper connections take longer to form, although they can be broken on a certain level fairly easily.

I'm about to get seriously lovey-dovey here, so if you're not into it, don't read any further...

My parents are honestly two of the most amazing people I know. I teared up recently trying to explain to somebody how amazing and wonderful my parents are. They are two very different people (my mom is loud, the first on the dance floor, and fiercely protective whereas my dad is quiet, would prefer to sit and people watch, and lets my brother and I make our own mistakes before jumping in to see what he can do to help), yet they both have big hearts and open arms. It's extremely hard to explain if you don't know them, but they are warm and would do anything to help somebody else.

My dad is a volunteer fire police person, and before that, he was a volunteer fireman for years. When I have a free day and want to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, he always goes with me. He used to give blood regularly, which inspired me to continue the legacy. Whenever he had to lay anybody in his office off, he would help them to find a new job. He kept in touch with former employees, and even helped them if they needed it. He used to help me and my cast mates build sets for our theater productions in high school. My dad is amazing.

My mom gave up a job as an executive secretary, and the money that came with it, to make sure my brother and I had somebody to come home to everyday. She made us snacks, picked us up when we missed the buses (regularly), and always had a hug for us, even when she was also having a bad day. Her youngest sister passed away 4 years ago this month, and she still posts in her online memory book for every birthday and Christmas. She puts family first, and would do anything to see my brother, me, or her godson happy. She puts up with people who shouldn't even be breathing to same air as her in order to make him happy. My mom is wonderful.

My parents were always the ones that drove my friends and me around before any of us has licenses. They haven't missed a single one of my brother's football games (that's 6 years of Saturdays)! They never missed a show I was in. Each of them came to visit me, on the other side of the country, at some point during my college time. Hell, they let me go to college on the other side of the country. Both of them have given up so much to make sure my brother and I are happy and healthy human beings. They instilled in us valuing family over money, working hard, laughing easily, and helping others.

I love my parents more than they know, and I am so grateful that they are mine.

So what does all of this gushing about how wonderful my parents are have to do with making an impact?

Everything.

I want to be able to leave a legacy like the ones my parents have. They aren't perfect, but none of us are. They are amazing human beings, who give up a lot to make others happy. I experience the impact of their love every day of my life, and I see it before me. They truly want to make the world better for my brother and me, and they are doing a wonderful job of it.

I truly am the person I am because of my parents, and I want to be just like them.

New Year's Resolutions

Normally, I try not to make a list of resolutions, because I know I will only be disappointed that I didn't do any of them in the end. But this year is different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, or put it into words, but I feel that these resolutions are not only possible, but also very plausible in the scheme of my life. Here they are, so you can hold me to them:

1) Be living somewhere aside from New Jersey by December 2013.  - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't want to be here. Whether it be abroad, San Diego, or NYC, I just want to be out of Jersey, for good.

2) Drink more coffee and less flavored drinks. - Now, this one needs some background to it. I am addicted to lattes. When I say this, I am not kidding. I drink an average of 2 a day, and spend over $50 a week at Starbucks alone. This has become a huge problem for me, so instead of going cold-turkey off of caffeine, I plan on downgrading to plain coffee, one sugar, and milk, rather than the Pumpkin Spice Latte or Caramel Brulee Latte that I drink every day. I wasn't kidding about being addicted. Not only will I be saving money, but I will be saving calories that can be used for other yummy things instead!

3) Reach out to people more often. - If you know me if real life, you know that I am a super sentimental person. This resolution is not for my friends, but for the people who I have had friendships with in the past, who are no longer considered friends, or for strangers. Listening to a random person share a story is a beautiful consequence of being surrounded by people you don't know. I want to hear everybody's stories. I want to reach out to old friends and let them know how much they have meant to me in life. I just want people to know how appreciated they are.

4) Start running again. - This has absolutely nothing to do with "looking good" and everything to do with "feeling good." I used to be in good shape, nothing major, but I was able to climb stairs without having to catch my breath at the top. Now, if I'm carrying books or if I have my backpack on, by the time I get to the top of the stairs, I'm huffing and puffing. I hate that feeling, and so I will resolve it.

5) Say what I mean. - I won't say yes if the intention isn't there, and I won't say no, just because I'm scared. I won't nitpick just to have something to say. I think this one will be the hardest, not only because I like to talk a lot, but I'm also somewhat of a people-pleaser.

6) Finish what I start. - This means the current B.S. in Biology that I started as a second degree, even though it is basically just a cover for some Pre-Med classes. This means finishing my DONA paperwork. I hate paperwork. This means actually working on my novel, instead of just letting the ideas for it sit in my head, too afraid of criticism to be put onto the page.

7) Make life simpler for myself. - I need to throw out or donate more clothing. I donated 8 bags (EIGHT!!) full of clothing over the summer, and I still take up two closets. This means going through paperwork I've had for years, and releasing it to the trash gods. This means de-friending mass amounts of people on facebook. This means making a schedule (especially for sleep), and sticking to it. This means not participating in gossip, not complaining, and overall not opening my mouth when it shouldn't be open. Let's see how this one works out for me, because I am the queen of complex.

8) Be less anxious. - This will be really hard to do, because I have an anxiety disorder (yay GAD!), but I drive myself nuts sometimes just thinking, thinking, thinking. I am going to sincerely try meditating daily. I've heard that it can work wonders, especially the better you get at it.

and last but not least (since nine is my favorite number)...

9) Write more. - I've obviously written a lot this month because I have time, and because the end of the year always happens to bring more inspiration. But I need to be proactive in finding inspiration. I need to not worry what people are going to say about what I've said. I need to practice my writing, so that I don't lose the skills I've built up through years and years and years of writing. I need to sit and practice, rather than wait for inspiration to strike. Writing is like breathing for me, but I need to do more of it, especially the deep stuff.

Friendship & Love

There was a Thought Catalog article posted recently about being able to tell when somebody really loves you. Reading this, of course, had me thinking about all of the things people have done over the years that show a true love within the friendship or relationship. To name a few:
- Rearranging her schedule to accompany me to a doctor's appointment that I was absolutely terrified of going into
- Flying across an ocean to see me
- Answering a tearful phone or Skype call, and speaking for over an hour
- Holding my hair back when alcohol got the best of me
- Sharing Netflix, beer, and a sleeping area with me
- Comforting me when I walk into work crying
- Showing me that bikini waxes don't hurt as much as I actually thought they did, by letting me be in the room with her during hers
- Cuddling with me, even when there was unfinished homework
- Messaging me, despite a nearly 5,000 mile physical distance between us
- Holding my hand during one of the hardest periods in my life I had to go through
- Encouraging me to pursue my dreams, even if it means being away and partially out of contact for stretches of time
- Noticing the little things that I say or do that mean that I am not okay

So what do all of these things have to do with traveling?

In a sense, these are the things that both compel me forward and hold me back. They hold me back and keep me here, because who wants to give up something this amazing? I have wonderful friends who love me for who I am, and how do I know they will still be here when I get back from traveling? Also because of these things. Because anybody who shows this much love, this much feeling towards someone, doesn't just let them fall out of their life. They may drift, but they wait patiently for the moment when the person may need them again.

All of the people described above are all special to me. They enrich my life. And some of them, I've gone for months without talking to, and still consider them a best friend, because of what we share.

Friendship and love are not about how much you see somebody, but about the feeling between you two. It's an unspoken, almost indescribable feeling of fullness between two people. Fullness that overflows into the space between you, whether it be a centimeter or one hundred thousands miles. Fullness that sits in silence, content to just exist. Fullness that envelops the unkind words spoken in anger, and shatters them. Fullness in the knowledge that, though the space may be empty, the love still exists.

Frustration

Whelp, this week has been one giant ball of frustration. I did poorly on my Biology test which means I will need a perfect score on the Final Exam to get an A in the class. I deactivated my facebook in a way, by handing over all of my log-in information to my brother, so I cannot access it until after December 17th, which happens to be the day of ALL of my finals. And I just had to re-do the Peace Corps application. Right now, I am slightly angry, but mostly just frustrated.

I can't give up on my dream. I refuse to.

Speaking of dreams, in a more literal sense, I had a dream last night that I got my Peace Corps Invitation, and it was for South Korea. That doesn't even make sense. Ha!

I wrote a blog entry last week but I didn't want to post it immediately after I had posted my last one, so I will probably put it up tomorrow.

Have a Happy Friday!