So what is this post about? My current feelings regarding leaving for the Peace Corps, since it is actually going to happen! It's only a matter of time...
I want to preface this by saying I like to be 100% honest in my blog posts. I won't sugarcoat my feelings, but rather, I will lay them out raw and unprocessed, for you to digest in your own way. With that being said...
I am downright, absolutely, beyond all measure terrified. And that is exhilarating to an extent, but it is also making me nervous. I know that it is okay to be afraid, and that this is a completely normal response to the unknown, since, at the moment, I have no idea where I am going or when I am leaving.
I am scared of leaving the comfort of my home. I am scared of leaving the people I care for dearly. I'm scared of the possibility that I may never see some of them again, through acts of fate or through old age or just through plain bad circumstances. I'm scared of changing for the worse; hell, I'm scared of changing for the better. I like who I am at this moment in time. I am finally 99% comfortable with who I am and what I believe, and I'm about the shake that up. I know that the experience will irreversibly change me. I'm open to it, and afraid.
I'm scared of so many of the normal things that come with moving on to new things: Will the other volunteers like me? Will I like my host family? Will I like where I live? What if I do something embarrassing? I've "started over," in a sense, so many times before that I know that these feelings are completely normal and come with the territory. But, knowing that I am starting over in a culture probably completely different from my own is amplifying these questions in my mind.
It's no wonder I'm tired when I spend a good portion of my day thinking about these things! But these are not the only reason I am tired...
I'm tired of people questioning my sanity, my intentions, and my future. One of the families that I tutor for has been rather mean about the whole thing: "What about your schooling? What about the MCAT? Don't you think you should stay until you are done completely? I think you should stay and wait to do this later; it really is in your best interest." No, just no. I have been working for you for 8 months, but I have to known I have wanted to do this for the past decade of my life, and I'm the one who has to live with myself in the end. I can always replicate schooling. I cannot replicate everything that the Peace Corps has to offer.
I'm tired of certain people looking at this as a joke, as another phase. It isn't. I have never been so set on something in my entire life. Why would I waste 2 years trying to get in if it wasn't what I truly wanted?
I'm just tired of having to explain myself, honestly. I want to do this. I know that I've wanted to do this for a very long time. There is just so much that can come from this experience.
I'm tired of answering why, but I will continue to, because my answer is "Why not?"
I will follow my dreams. I will not let fear guide me.
3 comments:
Right on. I'm baffled when folks trundle on so far past "giving their 2 cents," especially when they haven't been asked.
And mannnn if there was anything to be terrified about, it's this! I was scared before leaving for brewing school where I am now, and that's still in the US and only for a couple months. Add in language, culture, longer time, and... EVERYTHING?? I know what you mean about being content with who you are, and I'm impressed with your courage and openness to shaking up that fragile stability.
It will absolutely be epic, but no amount of reassurance would make it EASY. Kick butt, you.
People need to stop telling you what THEY would do and support what you ARE DOING. You're going to be awesome out there and I'm super super excited for you. I wouldn't have the guts to do it, that's for sure :)
awesome post :) i get the same things... and sometimes its so hard to have others understand. Even after mentioning grad school benefits, the skills i will gain, connections I might make and job experience they still dont get it and the funny part is, is that the main reasons why im going are more than just the tangible benefits that i just listed above and the types of benefits most people want to hear and can only really understand haha
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