Normally, I try not to make a list of resolutions, because I know I will only be disappointed that I didn't do any of them in the end. But this year is different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, or put it into words, but I feel that these resolutions are not only possible, but also very plausible in the scheme of my life. Here they are, so you can hold me to them:
1) Be living somewhere aside from New Jersey by December 2013. - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't want to be here. Whether it be abroad, San Diego, or NYC, I just want to be out of Jersey, for good.
2) Drink more coffee and less flavored drinks. - Now, this one needs some background to it. I am addicted to lattes. When I say this, I am not kidding. I drink an average of 2 a day, and spend over $50 a week at Starbucks alone. This has become a huge problem for me, so instead of going cold-turkey off of caffeine, I plan on downgrading to plain coffee, one sugar, and milk, rather than the Pumpkin Spice Latte or Caramel Brulee Latte that I drink every day. I wasn't kidding about being addicted. Not only will I be saving money, but I will be saving calories that can be used for other yummy things instead!
3) Reach out to people more often. - If you know me if real life, you know that I am a super sentimental person. This resolution is not for my friends, but for the people who I have had friendships with in the past, who are no longer considered friends, or for strangers. Listening to a random person share a story is a beautiful consequence of being surrounded by people you don't know. I want to hear everybody's stories. I want to reach out to old friends and let them know how much they have meant to me in life. I just want people to know how appreciated they are.
4) Start running again. - This has absolutely nothing to do with "looking good" and everything to do with "feeling good." I used to be in good shape, nothing major, but I was able to climb stairs without having to catch my breath at the top. Now, if I'm carrying books or if I have my backpack on, by the time I get to the top of the stairs, I'm huffing and puffing. I hate that feeling, and so I will resolve it.
5) Say what I mean. - I won't say yes if the intention isn't there, and I won't say no, just because I'm scared. I won't nitpick just to have something to say. I think this one will be the hardest, not only because I like to talk a lot, but I'm also somewhat of a people-pleaser.
6) Finish what I start. - This means the current B.S. in Biology that I started as a second degree, even though it is basically just a cover for some Pre-Med classes. This means finishing my DONA paperwork. I hate paperwork. This means actually working on my novel, instead of just letting the ideas for it sit in my head, too afraid of criticism to be put onto the page.
7) Make life simpler for myself. - I need to throw out or donate more clothing. I donated 8 bags (EIGHT!!) full of clothing over the summer, and I still take up two closets. This means going through paperwork I've had for years, and releasing it to the trash gods. This means de-friending mass amounts of people on facebook. This means making a schedule (especially for sleep), and sticking to it. This means not participating in gossip, not complaining, and overall not opening my mouth when it shouldn't be open. Let's see how this one works out for me, because I am the queen of complex.
8) Be less anxious. - This will be really hard to do, because I have an anxiety disorder (yay GAD!), but I drive myself nuts sometimes just thinking, thinking, thinking. I am going to sincerely try meditating daily. I've heard that it can work wonders, especially the better you get at it.
and last but not least (since nine is my favorite number)...
9) Write more. - I've obviously written a lot this month because I have time, and because the end of the year always happens to bring more inspiration. But I need to be proactive in finding inspiration. I need to not worry what people are going to say about what I've said. I need to practice my writing, so that I don't lose the skills I've built up through years and years and years of writing. I need to sit and practice, rather than wait for inspiration to strike. Writing is like breathing for me, but I need to do more of it, especially the deep stuff.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Friendship & Love
There was a Thought Catalog article posted recently about being able to tell when somebody really loves you. Reading this, of course, had me thinking about all of the things people have done over the years that show a true love within the friendship or relationship. To name a few:
- Rearranging her schedule to accompany me to a doctor's appointment that I was absolutely terrified of going into
- Flying across an ocean to see me
- Answering a tearful phone or Skype call, and speaking for over an hour
- Holding my hair back when alcohol got the best of me
- Sharing Netflix, beer, and a sleeping area with me
- Comforting me when I walk into work crying
- Showing me that bikini waxes don't hurt as much as I actually thought they did, by letting me be in the room with her during hers
- Cuddling with me, even when there was unfinished homework
- Messaging me, despite a nearly 5,000 mile physical distance between us
- Holding my hand during one of the hardest periods in my life I had to go through
- Encouraging me to pursue my dreams, even if it means being away and partially out of contact for stretches of time
- Noticing the little things that I say or do that mean that I am not okay
So what do all of these things have to do with traveling?
In a sense, these are the things that both compel me forward and hold me back. They hold me back and keep me here, because who wants to give up something this amazing? I have wonderful friends who love me for who I am, and how do I know they will still be here when I get back from traveling? Also because of these things. Because anybody who shows this much love, this much feeling towards someone, doesn't just let them fall out of their life. They may drift, but they wait patiently for the moment when the person may need them again.
All of the people described above are all special to me. They enrich my life. And some of them, I've gone for months without talking to, and still consider them a best friend, because of what we share.
Friendship and love are not about how much you see somebody, but about the feeling between you two. It's an unspoken, almost indescribable feeling of fullness between two people. Fullness that overflows into the space between you, whether it be a centimeter or one hundred thousands miles. Fullness that sits in silence, content to just exist. Fullness that envelops the unkind words spoken in anger, and shatters them. Fullness in the knowledge that, though the space may be empty, the love still exists.
- Rearranging her schedule to accompany me to a doctor's appointment that I was absolutely terrified of going into
- Flying across an ocean to see me
- Answering a tearful phone or Skype call, and speaking for over an hour
- Holding my hair back when alcohol got the best of me
- Sharing Netflix, beer, and a sleeping area with me
- Comforting me when I walk into work crying
- Showing me that bikini waxes don't hurt as much as I actually thought they did, by letting me be in the room with her during hers
- Cuddling with me, even when there was unfinished homework
- Messaging me, despite a nearly 5,000 mile physical distance between us
- Holding my hand during one of the hardest periods in my life I had to go through
- Encouraging me to pursue my dreams, even if it means being away and partially out of contact for stretches of time
- Noticing the little things that I say or do that mean that I am not okay
So what do all of these things have to do with traveling?
In a sense, these are the things that both compel me forward and hold me back. They hold me back and keep me here, because who wants to give up something this amazing? I have wonderful friends who love me for who I am, and how do I know they will still be here when I get back from traveling? Also because of these things. Because anybody who shows this much love, this much feeling towards someone, doesn't just let them fall out of their life. They may drift, but they wait patiently for the moment when the person may need them again.
All of the people described above are all special to me. They enrich my life. And some of them, I've gone for months without talking to, and still consider them a best friend, because of what we share.
Friendship and love are not about how much you see somebody, but about the feeling between you two. It's an unspoken, almost indescribable feeling of fullness between two people. Fullness that overflows into the space between you, whether it be a centimeter or one hundred thousands miles. Fullness that sits in silence, content to just exist. Fullness that envelops the unkind words spoken in anger, and shatters them. Fullness in the knowledge that, though the space may be empty, the love still exists.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Frustration
Whelp, this week has been one giant ball of frustration. I did poorly on my Biology test which means I will need a perfect score on the Final Exam to get an A in the class. I deactivated my facebook in a way, by handing over all of my log-in information to my brother, so I cannot access it until after December 17th, which happens to be the day of ALL of my finals. And I just had to re-do the Peace Corps application. Right now, I am slightly angry, but mostly just frustrated.
I can't give up on my dream. I refuse to.
Speaking of dreams, in a more literal sense, I had a dream last night that I got my Peace Corps Invitation, and it was for South Korea. That doesn't even make sense. Ha!
I wrote a blog entry last week but I didn't want to post it immediately after I had posted my last one, so I will probably put it up tomorrow.
Have a Happy Friday!
I can't give up on my dream. I refuse to.
Speaking of dreams, in a more literal sense, I had a dream last night that I got my Peace Corps Invitation, and it was for South Korea. That doesn't even make sense. Ha!
I wrote a blog entry last week but I didn't want to post it immediately after I had posted my last one, so I will probably put it up tomorrow.
Have a Happy Friday!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Decisions
I've now made a relatively rough sketch of the next year:
- Jan-May: Take Gen Bio II, Gen Chem II, Gen Physics II, and Calculus, and try not to lose all motivation in the process.
- Mid-May (roughly): Trip to LA to see 1) my beautiful grand-little graduate and 2) everything and everyone that I miss and love more than they probably know.
- June-Aug: Take O.Chem I & II (oh, yes, over the summer. It will be loads of fun.)
- Aug or Sept (depending on the next part of this): Take the MCAT
So that's how life will be for the next 2/3 of a year, and then it can go one of two ways:
Plan A) Peace Corps will, at some point in the next few months, send me an invite to leave any time after mid-August.
Plan B) Peace Corps will decide that I am unable to serve for whatever reason that may come up. If this happens, I will be moving out of NJ, probably around December of 2013. I have a few ideas of where I'd like to go, but I know I need to get out of this state. Where I would like to move, in preferential order: 1) San Diego, 2) Los Angeles, 3) Anywhere else in California, 4) New York City, 5) Washington DC, & 6) Boston.
It is really starting to sink in that I may not get an invitation. This is something that I have struggled with over the past 2 years, as I have shown in this blog. As of this very moment in time, I am okay with that. It is hard to say goodbye to a dream, and reality can be harsh, but I won't let it get me down, especially considering that Peace Corps is opening up positions for Doctors in the future (sort of like Doctors Without Borders), which means I might be able to make this dream come true somewhere down the line. And there are a few alternatives, since, as I've stated before, I'd like some more "real world" experience before embarking on that long and arduous journey known as Medical School. I'm considering some AmeriCorps programs that are focused on health, as well as the Global Health Corps. If any of you readers know of any good programs, please let me know in the comments.
...
I want to explain why I want to leave New Jersey, if only in a short, and probably unsatisfying, way: NJ, to me, equals a stifling set of rules that I cannot adhere to. This is a purely psychological thing on my part. I grew up here. I was awkward and unhappy here. In all honesty, NJ represents my old self in a sense, where Los Angeles and Galway and Babati represent a new self. It's hard to explain if you haven't known me for more than around 4 years. With the traveling and exploring and growing that I have done, even in the past 2 years, something has clicked that I cannot quite put my finger on.
I don't know if it was a full sense of self-love, or the knowledge that I can do almost anything if I try hard enough, or the blossoming of my self-confidence, or the independence I hold onto with dear life, or maybe a little bit of all of this, but something has changed me for the better.
And being in NJ makes me feel like I am taking 9 steps backwards. This isn't where I belong.
- Jan-May: Take Gen Bio II, Gen Chem II, Gen Physics II, and Calculus, and try not to lose all motivation in the process.
- Mid-May (roughly): Trip to LA to see 1) my beautiful grand-little graduate and 2) everything and everyone that I miss and love more than they probably know.
- June-Aug: Take O.Chem I & II (oh, yes, over the summer. It will be loads of fun.)
- Aug or Sept (depending on the next part of this): Take the MCAT
So that's how life will be for the next 2/3 of a year, and then it can go one of two ways:
Plan A) Peace Corps will, at some point in the next few months, send me an invite to leave any time after mid-August.
Plan B) Peace Corps will decide that I am unable to serve for whatever reason that may come up. If this happens, I will be moving out of NJ, probably around December of 2013. I have a few ideas of where I'd like to go, but I know I need to get out of this state. Where I would like to move, in preferential order: 1) San Diego, 2) Los Angeles, 3) Anywhere else in California, 4) New York City, 5) Washington DC, & 6) Boston.
It is really starting to sink in that I may not get an invitation. This is something that I have struggled with over the past 2 years, as I have shown in this blog. As of this very moment in time, I am okay with that. It is hard to say goodbye to a dream, and reality can be harsh, but I won't let it get me down, especially considering that Peace Corps is opening up positions for Doctors in the future (sort of like Doctors Without Borders), which means I might be able to make this dream come true somewhere down the line. And there are a few alternatives, since, as I've stated before, I'd like some more "real world" experience before embarking on that long and arduous journey known as Medical School. I'm considering some AmeriCorps programs that are focused on health, as well as the Global Health Corps. If any of you readers know of any good programs, please let me know in the comments.
...
I want to explain why I want to leave New Jersey, if only in a short, and probably unsatisfying, way: NJ, to me, equals a stifling set of rules that I cannot adhere to. This is a purely psychological thing on my part. I grew up here. I was awkward and unhappy here. In all honesty, NJ represents my old self in a sense, where Los Angeles and Galway and Babati represent a new self. It's hard to explain if you haven't known me for more than around 4 years. With the traveling and exploring and growing that I have done, even in the past 2 years, something has clicked that I cannot quite put my finger on.
I don't know if it was a full sense of self-love, or the knowledge that I can do almost anything if I try hard enough, or the blossoming of my self-confidence, or the independence I hold onto with dear life, or maybe a little bit of all of this, but something has changed me for the better.
And being in NJ makes me feel like I am taking 9 steps backwards. This isn't where I belong.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I'm Not Quite Sure
Right now, I'm not quite sure why I am writing, or what I am doing, but all I know is I'm having this intense need to express to all of those who choose to read this...
At this point in my life, there are few things I am sure about, and even those could change. I am sure I want to get an MD. This is, in fact, the only true thing I am 100% sure about at the moment. It's been a long and strange path to that conclusion, but it's like I've been both attracted and repelled by the idea for years, without fully realizing it. I had such a calm come over me when I made the decision, that it was actually pretty scary.
I'm 90% sure that I want to have a child or children in the future. I posted about this on my facebook a few weeks ago, but I know that if I want to become a parent, I want to do it in a way that I feel is "right," and as an MD, I'm not sure I could devote the time and attention that a child needs or that I would like to give to a child, which is why I am not 100% sure.
I'm 75% sure that I want to spend a large portion of the next 10 or 20 years traveling. This really needs no explanation, except for maybe why it is as low as 75%, but that can be explained by my post about living in a small town, really.
I still want to spend some significant time working abroad before I go to Medical School, and not just to stand out as an applicant, but also to get some real world, on-the-ground experience with issues surrounding Global Health. Right now, I'm hoping that my Peace Corps nomination in "Health Education" holds up, and they send me somewhere where I can not only teach, but also help out in clinics in whatever way possible. I have, however, looked into alternatives to the Peace Corps that won't cost me my life savings. The Global Health Corps is starting to look like a really good option if the Peace Corps decides that I am not fit for service.
...
I constantly feel like I am doing too much, but not enough. I know that this is a strange phenomenon, but I know that it is not unique to me. In fact, I know a lot of people that feel this way.
I volunteer whenever I can. I do my schoolwork. I work two jobs. And it still feels like there is something I am forgetting to do, which I can never really find. It's a strange but interesting feeling.
...
I live in a part of the country that was affected by Hurricane Sandy. People are both amazing and terrible, all at the same time. I have known this for a long time, but it still gives me pause.
...
This has just become a collection of thoughts. Have a good weekend.
At this point in my life, there are few things I am sure about, and even those could change. I am sure I want to get an MD. This is, in fact, the only true thing I am 100% sure about at the moment. It's been a long and strange path to that conclusion, but it's like I've been both attracted and repelled by the idea for years, without fully realizing it. I had such a calm come over me when I made the decision, that it was actually pretty scary.
I'm 90% sure that I want to have a child or children in the future. I posted about this on my facebook a few weeks ago, but I know that if I want to become a parent, I want to do it in a way that I feel is "right," and as an MD, I'm not sure I could devote the time and attention that a child needs or that I would like to give to a child, which is why I am not 100% sure.
I'm 75% sure that I want to spend a large portion of the next 10 or 20 years traveling. This really needs no explanation, except for maybe why it is as low as 75%, but that can be explained by my post about living in a small town, really.
I still want to spend some significant time working abroad before I go to Medical School, and not just to stand out as an applicant, but also to get some real world, on-the-ground experience with issues surrounding Global Health. Right now, I'm hoping that my Peace Corps nomination in "Health Education" holds up, and they send me somewhere where I can not only teach, but also help out in clinics in whatever way possible. I have, however, looked into alternatives to the Peace Corps that won't cost me my life savings. The Global Health Corps is starting to look like a really good option if the Peace Corps decides that I am not fit for service.
...
I constantly feel like I am doing too much, but not enough. I know that this is a strange phenomenon, but I know that it is not unique to me. In fact, I know a lot of people that feel this way.
I volunteer whenever I can. I do my schoolwork. I work two jobs. And it still feels like there is something I am forgetting to do, which I can never really find. It's a strange but interesting feeling.
...
I live in a part of the country that was affected by Hurricane Sandy. People are both amazing and terrible, all at the same time. I have known this for a long time, but it still gives me pause.
...
This has just become a collection of thoughts. Have a good weekend.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Partial News
Having sort-of gone through the previous Medical process, I can honestly say that the new way of going about clearance is much easier.
One more document to submit before they can decide on whether or not they want to declare Medical Pre-Clearance for me. I am making a pact to myself that if I am deferred again for longer than 6 months, or if I am denied, I am not going to continue to pursue this. It is a dream, but one that can be fulfilled after Medical School. I have poured my heart and soul into this application process, and I don't think that I have enough left to spare to give it a go again. If I get deferred or denied, I have to accept it and move on; to me, this is maturity.
Let's hope I don't get deferred or denied!
One more document to submit before they can decide on whether or not they want to declare Medical Pre-Clearance for me. I am making a pact to myself that if I am deferred again for longer than 6 months, or if I am denied, I am not going to continue to pursue this. It is a dream, but one that can be fulfilled after Medical School. I have poured my heart and soul into this application process, and I don't think that I have enough left to spare to give it a go again. If I get deferred or denied, I have to accept it and move on; to me, this is maturity.
Let's hope I don't get deferred or denied!
Friday, September 7, 2012
My Peace Corps Application Saga
Yesterday, I was going to write a long post detailing all the things that really suck about the Peace Corps application process I have been going through. However, my process has been just too complicated for words, so I'm just going to let the emails (and summary of phone calls) speak for themselves. Because it is as hilarious as it is frustrating.
(My comments are in black, my emails are in italics, Pre-Service Nurse in blue, Placement in purple)
Disclaimer before I begin: I'm not trying to say or prove anything with this post. Trust me, my process has been a very atypical application process. Don't let it scare you away from joining!
---------
From: Me
To: Pre-Service Nurse email (from here on in, abbreviated PSN)
Date: August 15, 2012
Time: 3:20pm
Hello!
I know that you are busy, but I was told if I didn't hear by the middle of the August to email somebody. I started Medical with the "Mental Health" paperwork, but I never sent in the forms to get my deferral lifted (I haven't had the money to go to a therapist yet). I have to do the Medical portion, but I haven't gotten my portal log in yet. I don't know if this is enough information for you, or who I should talk to about this.
Have a good day.
---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 16, 2012
Time: 6:48pm
---------
(My comments are in black, my emails are in italics, Pre-Service Nurse in blue, Placement in purple)
Disclaimer before I begin: I'm not trying to say or prove anything with this post. Trust me, my process has been a very atypical application process. Don't let it scare you away from joining!
---------
From: Me
To: Pre-Service Nurse email (from here on in, abbreviated PSN)
Date: August 15, 2012
Time: 3:20pm
Hello!
I know that you are busy, but I was told if I didn't hear by the middle of the August to email somebody. I started Medical with the "Mental Health" paperwork, but I never sent in the forms to get my deferral lifted (I haven't had the money to go to a therapist yet). I have to do the Medical portion, but I haven't gotten my portal log in yet. I don't know if this is enough information for you, or who I should talk to about this.
Have a good day.
---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 16, 2012
Time: 6:48pm
Dear Mary,
Since your deferral is still in place, you will likely need to restart the whole application process with a recruiter. I will check this information with our placement department, but I believe that they will only migrate over recruiting files for applicants that have previously completed a physical exam or are now able to clear the deferral condition.
Thank you.
---------
From: Me
To: PSN
Date: August 17, 2012
Time: 7:12pm
Hello!
Thanks for the response. I'm not sure I understand. I am able to clear my deferral, and it was supposed to be lifted in June. I just can't afford to do the clearance until next month. Does that mean I have to restart the entire process all over again?
Thanks.
Thanks.
---------
After this, there was a bit of silence, so on August 21st, I called the Pre-Service Nurse to ask if they had received my email, and left a message because nobody picked up. What I asked above is basically what I asked in the voice mail, mentioning that I had already emailed but hadn't heard back.
---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 22, 2012
Time: 8:37pm
Hi Mary,
We are working with Placement to see if they will maneuver you into the new system. Hopefully you will receive some email communication from the new systems soon.
Thank you.
---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: August 29, 2012
Time: 11:54am
Dear Mary,
The placement office was planning to get in touch with you about your file and what you will need to do at this point to re-apply. If you have not heard from them you can contact 202-XXX-XXXX.
Thank you.
---------
So I called Placement on Friday, August 31 during my break at work, and talked to an amazing woman at the Health Placement desk who was trying to figure out what I was talking about. She said she'd email me back. When I hadn't heard by the next Wednesday (September 5th), I called again, and talked to the same woman. She told me all I needed was a reference number and to email certain people. Since this was a my-health-related thing, I wanted to double check with the Pre-Service Nurse.
---------
From: Me
To: PSN
Date: September 5, 2012
Time: 4:23pm
Hello!
I called Placement Friday, and again today, and spoke with them. They said that they sent over a question to you guys, and they didn't really know what I was talking about within the new system. They told me to email xxxxxxxx@peacecorps.gov so that I could gain access to the new system to fill out my Health History form. This is all correct, right? I only have to fill out my new form, or will I have to restart the application over again?
Thanks.
I called Placement Friday, and again today, and spoke with them. They said that they sent over a question to you guys, and they didn't really know what I was talking about within the new system. They told me to email xxxxxxxx@peacecorps.gov so that I could gain access to the new system to fill out my Health History form. This is all correct, right? I only have to fill out my new form, or will I have to restart the application over again?
Thanks.
---------
From: PSN
To: Me
Date: September 6, 2012
Time: 11:56pm
Dear Mary,
One of the placement supervisors had reviewed your file and was going to contact you to let you know that you needed to restart an application with a recruiter, because your file had expired. I have contacted placement again (the supervisor who was to handle this has since left Peace Corps) and they will hopefully be in touch with you by the end of the week. The instruction to contact xxxxxxxx was not accurate. The transition to the new system has been chaotic for everyone, so please bear with us as we work out the requirements for your case.
Thank you.
---------
After this, I got in the shower and cried. Then I proceeded to be unable to sleep (this has been my dream since 5th grade), so I created a new account and managed to finish the entire application in just under 3 hours. It helped that my essays were already written.
So I was content until I received the following email today.
---------
From: Health Placement Desk
To: Me
Date: September 6, 2012
Time: 12:00pm
Hi Mary,
It was a pleasure speaking with you yesterday. You should be receiving two emails shortly – one from me, with a candidate reference number, and another from the health portal. You will use the candidate reference number to complete the Health History Form.
We can also see that you began a new online profile; you do not need to work with that profile further, just follow the instructions in the emails you receive today.
Best,
[Placement Officer's Name]
---------
Then I proceeded to almost completely fill out the Health History Questionnaire, while simultaneously kicking myself for staying up late (when I had an early lab) to fill out the application form. Patience and I don't get along too well.
+++++++++
And that has been my saga for the past month. Really, you can't make this kind of stuff up! Ups and downs and all sorts of emotional nonsense.
Anyway, for those who are unaware, the Peace Corps changed over their entire application system in early July, and they have been trying to work out the kinks. I don't fault them; I totally understand how hard it can be to use a new system when you've been using a different one, especially when it concerns technology. It's just been really frustrating. Ha!
But now, life is about to get better. I also have so much amazing fun stuff to write about, including a post or two about International friends who have come to visit!
Hope your week has been less stressful than mine!
Monday, August 6, 2012
On Not Being Heterosexual While Traveling
I spent the last full week of July volunteering at the 19th International AIDS Conference in Washington DC. It was beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and eye-opening in ways I cannot even begin to express. There were over 21,000 people there from over 150 countries, each representing their interests in the fight against HIV/AIDS, and all of the aspects that come with that fight: from social/political issues like equality among the sexes, legalization of sex work, protecting non-heterosexual and non-cis-gendered folks, and working with, and sometimes around, religion, to scientific issues like informed consent in trials, testing more HIV drugs on women, whether circumcision truly is the answer, and what it would take for the world to rally around a cure. It gave me a lot to think about.
One of the biggest things I have mused over since the conference ended is the role of lifestyle in the quality of care. As a doula, I have witnessed first-hand the differences in care somebody on Medicaid receives as opposed to the quality of care somebody on private insurance receives. As somebody who does HIV outreach, I have heard stories of people refused medication because the pharmacists don't "agree with the lifestyle choice." As someone who follows feminist blogs closely, I have read a few stories of people refused care because they are transgendered. As someone who aspires to be a doctor, I find all of these situations unacceptable.
All of this thought has led me to think: What are some of the reasons I may be refused care? I carry white privilege with me wherever I go, as I could probably not get any more "white," with my light-colored hair and blue eyes. I'm college-educated, so I carry "proper" grammar and vocabulary on my side. I am able-bodied. I am young. The only two things I can think of that may impact my care in a bad way are the fact that I am a woman and the fact that I am not heterosexual.
Women, in all seriousness, have been given the short of the stick when it comes to medicine, up until almost recently, although some may argue that this continues through practices today. I don't want to elaborate much on this, because there is already a lot of literature about this, much better written and explained than I am capable of. If you want to do some research, a great place to start is with how the word "hysteria" came to be.
I am not heterosexual. Granted, I can pass as straight, but I truly am not. I am bisexual, for those who are only familiar with the terms "straight, gay, and bi," but I really consider myself pansexual. Ten points to Ravenclaw if you know what that means! All joking aside though, in some countries, just being yourself has dire consequences. Consider what it may be like to be a gay man in a country know for it's machismo or in a country where it is considered illegal to be gay, and your neighbors believe you better off dead than a lesbian. Consider what it may be like to know that if you "come out" to your family or closest friend, you may risk stoning or dishonor.
I spoke to a few people who were manning gay rights booths in the "open to the public" portion of the Conference. It seemed as though they were happy to be able to be out and proud about it, and to offer a support system to others that wish to be out as well, but they also spoke about how it could be somewhat dangerous to be out, which is why the support systems existed in the first place.
In some countries, being out can be a blast, and a great experiment in what you could expect upon returning home. In other countries, being out could mean repeated rapes (meant to "turn you straight") or death upon discovery. Even in the United States, people are beaten or shot for not being straight. And this is not just in our distant Matthew Shepard history. Just last month, two young lesbians were shot and left for dead.
The Peace Corps even has a special panel that you can watch online or go to live on what the experience is like being LGBTQI abroad. It's difficult to go from relative safety in expressing who you are to basically walking back into the closet for a long period time, but sometimes, to live your dreams, it has to be done. Just as all of the soldiers who hid during the time of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and long before then. Just ask the women and men in the USA who lost their jobs in the early 1900s because they didn't quite fit the right mold.
It's hard to be strong when your strength may mean your death.
One of the biggest things I have mused over since the conference ended is the role of lifestyle in the quality of care. As a doula, I have witnessed first-hand the differences in care somebody on Medicaid receives as opposed to the quality of care somebody on private insurance receives. As somebody who does HIV outreach, I have heard stories of people refused medication because the pharmacists don't "agree with the lifestyle choice." As someone who follows feminist blogs closely, I have read a few stories of people refused care because they are transgendered. As someone who aspires to be a doctor, I find all of these situations unacceptable.
All of this thought has led me to think: What are some of the reasons I may be refused care? I carry white privilege with me wherever I go, as I could probably not get any more "white," with my light-colored hair and blue eyes. I'm college-educated, so I carry "proper" grammar and vocabulary on my side. I am able-bodied. I am young. The only two things I can think of that may impact my care in a bad way are the fact that I am a woman and the fact that I am not heterosexual.
Women, in all seriousness, have been given the short of the stick when it comes to medicine, up until almost recently, although some may argue that this continues through practices today. I don't want to elaborate much on this, because there is already a lot of literature about this, much better written and explained than I am capable of. If you want to do some research, a great place to start is with how the word "hysteria" came to be.
I am not heterosexual. Granted, I can pass as straight, but I truly am not. I am bisexual, for those who are only familiar with the terms "straight, gay, and bi," but I really consider myself pansexual. Ten points to Ravenclaw if you know what that means! All joking aside though, in some countries, just being yourself has dire consequences. Consider what it may be like to be a gay man in a country know for it's machismo or in a country where it is considered illegal to be gay, and your neighbors believe you better off dead than a lesbian. Consider what it may be like to know that if you "come out" to your family or closest friend, you may risk stoning or dishonor.
I spoke to a few people who were manning gay rights booths in the "open to the public" portion of the Conference. It seemed as though they were happy to be able to be out and proud about it, and to offer a support system to others that wish to be out as well, but they also spoke about how it could be somewhat dangerous to be out, which is why the support systems existed in the first place.
In some countries, being out can be a blast, and a great experiment in what you could expect upon returning home. In other countries, being out could mean repeated rapes (meant to "turn you straight") or death upon discovery. Even in the United States, people are beaten or shot for not being straight. And this is not just in our distant Matthew Shepard history. Just last month, two young lesbians were shot and left for dead.
The Peace Corps even has a special panel that you can watch online or go to live on what the experience is like being LGBTQI abroad. It's difficult to go from relative safety in expressing who you are to basically walking back into the closet for a long period time, but sometimes, to live your dreams, it has to be done. Just as all of the soldiers who hid during the time of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and long before then. Just ask the women and men in the USA who lost their jobs in the early 1900s because they didn't quite fit the right mold.
It's hard to be strong when your strength may mean your death.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Modern Conveniences While Traveling
I am currently typing this blog entry from a bus somewhere between Newark, NJ and Washington DC. The bus has WiFi, which is awesome, although not totally necessary.
For my trip to Washington DC for the next week, I have packed my laptop, nook, iPod, camera, and cell phone, along with all of their chargers. For some people, including me, this feels totally necessary. A cell phone is a must, really, but other than that, all of these electronics are not really needed. The camera is great to make memories, and show them to people, but I could always use my words. My laptop and iPod are just entertainment devices, although the laptop comes in handy to communicate thoughts, like right now. The nook (it's a Simple Touch) is basically just a bunch of books; it doesn't do anything fancy.
There are so many people on the bus with their electronics: headphones plugged in, existing in their own little world. Are we that scared to make contact with another person? Are we that scared to be alone with our own thoughts?
Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I'd estimate (conservatively) that you could go travel to about 75% of the countries on Earth, and be able to use/charge these items. There really is no more "roughing it," unless it is self-imposed.
I'm hoping that when I eventually do get into/leave for the Peace Corps, when I get assigned to my site, it is pretty out of the way. Not in a romanticized way, but just because I would love to be able to experience life without all of these technologies, and I know that it would be hard for me, and I welcome the challenge. We'll see how that goes...
When I was in Tanzania for the two months I was there, I was laptop-less and it was glorious, in a really awesome, freeing way. Now, I'm constantly worried about missing an email or a facebook message and therefore missing something important. I feel so tied to technology. Does anybody else feel that way?
So these are just some thoughts on a bus at 9:30am, when I've only gotten about an hour of sleep.
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