The Waiting Game

So, if you read over any of the "Peace Corps Journals" blogs, especially those of the Applicants, you will find that patience, waiting, and Restless Applicant Syndrome (or RAS for short) are all mentioned pretty frequently. And if you know me in real life, you will know I am by no means a patient person. I like to go out and "do" rather than wait around for something to happen. I am somewhat ambitious to a fault.

I have been playing the waiting game now for over a year. First, I waited a month for my interview (submitted my application beginning of January '11, interviewed the first week of Feb '11). Then, I waited 1 month for a nomination, only to have to wait 3 more months (originally was supposed to receive a nomination in March, had to wait until June). Then I got what I like to call "Part 1" of my medical packet, and had that done in no time, only to be deferred (sent the packet in June '11, received word of deferral in July '11, to be deferred until December '11). Since my nomination was for January '12, and personally, I felt the deferral was unneeded, I appealed the deferral, at which point it was frustratingly extended (I sent in the paperwork in August '11, received word of the extension of the deferral in Sept '11). So now, I'm deferred until June '12, because of a paperwork mix-up.

It is so frustrating, beyond anything I can even explain. But I know that it is going to be worth it. It is my DREAM to do the Peace Corps, and I have been working toward it since I found out what it was around the middle school years. I can't believe that I am waiting this long for something. I have never waited this long for anything in my life, except maybe college, and well, that is something you HAVE to wait for.

I'm doing a lot of things in the mean time to keep myself busy, but sometimes, that little thought comes to my head, that "is it going to be worth it" thought. Because, honestly, I have things to do, places to see, people to meet, and a career to eventually start. I'm putting my life on hold, only to put it "on hold" (in a sense) for an even longer period of time. Will it be worth it? Only time can tell...

But I really want it. I want it with every bone in my body, with every neuron in my brain, with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, and with every second that passes. I have never wanted anything more in my life.

I have a back-up plan, but I don't want to have to rely on it. Some days, I would really love to make Plan B into Plan A, but I know, I trust, that I would regret that decision.

...

Sometimes people ask me why I don't just put Peace Corps on the back-burner, and return to it after retirement or something along those lines. I don't want to do that because I don't know what the future holds. My aunt died of cancer at age 45. I don't want to die knowing that there are things that I really wanted to do that I never did because of fear or frustration or lack of patience or worry. I don't want to live knowing that, to myself, I'm not really living.

I hope everyone has an amazing week! Happy (almost) March!

I'm a Doula!

And today, I had my first ever birth... I'm still processing, but whoa, this is such an exciting occurrence. It's funny because people told me that once I witnessed and/or had a child, I would turn around some of my political views, but they remain the same, even more fully in place in my mind at this point.

This child, this little boy, took only a total of around 10 hours to come into this world. From pre-born to born, full-term fetus to baby, human to person, in a span that is just a small amount of time in the long run. It is absolutely amazingly beautiful. Miraculous.

I love the human body.

Peace Corps Update (Again!)

So, I know it's been over a month since I last wrote, but I'm not going to be hard on myself. Instead, I'm going to adjust. Instead of trying to update weekly, and failing, I'm going to attempt to update twice a month. Not too bad of goal, methinks.

Anyway, since it is now 2012, and my deferral is lifted in June of this year, I emailed the Peace Corps Medical Office to see what was up and the steps I would have to take to get this pesky (and, in my opinion, undeserved) deferral lifted. So my Peace Corps Medical Nurse person emailed me back saying that I have to see a psychiatrist three times and be evaluated by a test, etc. I thought this is wasn't going to be a big deal, because I can just space out those three sessions in February, April, and June, and then send the paperwork along.

But! It turns out ALL 3 sessions need to be in or after June in order to count, since that was when I "last had symptoms." (No, it wasn't, and yes, it's a complicated story, but it is in the archives if you want to look it up because I don't feel like re-hashing it.) It doesn't matter how spaced out these sessions are, as long as there are three. If I felt like pushing my luck, I would just go to see a therapist three days in a row and send my paperwork in after that, but I'm going to put a week in between each of those sessions. Which means I won't even get my regular, non-mental health packet until the middle of July probably, which is, ready for this? ... a grand total of 19 MONTHS since I first applied.

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but that isn't in my personality as it is. I'm applying to other things and planning other things and working, just in case, after all of this, it doesn't work out, but I am still holding on to hope.

Seriously though (and this is going to be a mini-rant, so feel free to skip this paragraph), wouldn't evaluations over the course of a few months be a much better indicator of my mental health than evaluations over a three week period? Like, I understand why I was deferred, even if I don't agree with it. It was a terrible stroke of bad luck that my deferral was pushed further. But now, seriously, you want me to go see a therapist, talk to them for a grand total of 3 hours, and decide with that whether or not I am capable of handling myself for two years?! It's just altogether too frustrating for words sometimes.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing wonderfully, if any of you have stuck around to read this! I will update my PC Timeline sometime soon. I'm also going to write another post before the month is over, but it is mostly going to be about my feelings, because this is the month I was nominated to leave. *le sigh*

Kindness (of Strangers, Family, & Friends)

Something I forgot to mention in my last post was that after the car accident, I was sitting in my car, just bawling my eyes and shaking. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on my window, and this guy who could not have been any older than I am had pulled over (keep in mind, this is on an extraordinarily busy highway in the middle of a monsoon-like rainstorm) to make sure that I was okay. He told me he wanted to make sure I was conscious and uninjured, because he had been in a car accident a few weeks ago, and somebody random had done the same for him. He and his friend stayed with me until the police came. I am very grateful for their kindness, and hope to repay the favor one day.

This whole scenario has me thinking about kindness, and how much we reach out, or don't reach out, to not only strangers, but the people we already have in our lives. A number of times I have been called silly or stupid for, as one detractor put it, "believing the world is all butterflies and rainbows." I have also been asked what planet I live on (more than once) when I talk about how I do believe people are wonderful and kind, and that we just have to give them a chance to show that part of themselves.

I have been so extraordinarily lucky in my lifetime to have experienced the kindness of strangers, friends, acquaintances, and family. In fact, after my car accident, I was pretty shaken up, so after driving down again the next day (I was attending a 3 day conference), I asked my cousin Ali if I could stay overnight at her house, which was only 10 minutes away from the conference center, as opposed to driving back to my house, which was over an hour away. Her and her husband James welcomed me into their home for the night, and I am so happy and grateful that they did.

One thing I couldn't help but notice with the fact that this stranger helped me by staying with me in the middle of this rainstorm, is that every time my car has caused me some sort of trouble in NJ, somebody has always stopped to help me, but in LA, every single time my car caused me trouble (which was, I need to point out, often), not a single stranger stopped to help me, albeit, my friends and sorority sisters did help transport me when I needed it. I try to pay that back as well.

I have more stories of the kindness of strangers, including the kindness of strangers abroad, but before I embark on that post, tell me, dear readers, what are your experiences with the kindness of strangers? Have you ever stopped for somebody you didn't know?

I hope your weekend is going well!

Fear

I cannot stop crying right now. I was in a car accident tonight that was extraordinarily scary, where I thought I was going to die, and I keep randomly bursting into tears. I think this is how I am coping. Perhaps, if/when I get into the Peace Corps, I will be glad to be rid of driving for two years, as opposed to being upset about it. I love to drive, but after tonight, I am extraordinarily shaken up.

I think the funniest thing about this accident tonight is the fact that my life didn't flash before my eyes; my future evaporated before my eyes. It was like "medical school? *poof*! extensive traveling/Peace Corps? *poof*! a chance at a family? *poof*! being a success? *poof*!" I can't be the only one this has happened to, right?

It was startling, and I think it says a lot about where my focus is. Always on the future, always ready to plan something new. My biggest fear is honestly not being able to accomplish everything that I wish to accomplish in my lifetime, of dropping out of school, of messing up my life, of disappointing myself and the people around me, of never being able to travel outside of the country for an extended period of time again.

I look to travel to keep me sane, and yet I also fear for the worst when I do travel. It is an interesting way to look at life.

Rejection

Sorry for the 3 month gap. Life got a little sad, and a little hectic. I promise I will update y'all on the Peace Corps stuff, but first, I would like to muse about rejection. Yes, this is supposed to be a travel blog, but I will tie it all together, I promise.

The more I get used to being rejected (by organizations, potential partners, even longtime friends), the more I realize perhaps a traveling life is for me. Rejection hurts. It is something that a person needs to get used to. It is something that makes me, personally, question my core values. What did I do wrong? Did I say the wrong thing? Have all the activities I have been doing for the past -forever- amounted to nothing? Should I learn to keep my mouth shut? Can I blame my mental illness? Can I blame the people who caused my mental illness? Why am I even thinking like this? Why can't I just get over it? And so on and so forth into a spiral of anxiety. Welcome to my brain.

Traveling, first and foremost, lets me step outside of this incessant naval-gazing. I like to let the experience, the culture, the language, the people, wash over me. It really brings me outside of myself, forces me to re-examine the way I think through things and the way I see the world and the way I see how people relate to each other. It also makes me re-examine my place in life. Why complain when I have so much?

Traveling also lets me run away. I'm going to be up front here. Sometimes, I like the thrill of a new place and new people and new food and new everything. I'm not really one to settle in one place. Everywhere I go, I fall in love. (Seriously, ask any of my friends. I came back from TZ, "OMG I'm gonna move there." I came back from IRL, "OMG I'm gonna move there." I came back from Nicaragua, "OMG I have to go again, for much longer, maybe for a year.")

Having to move back to the place that I "escaped" from was so disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and all of my friends in NJ, but I absolutely love LA. I know LA. I'm comfortable there. And now I'm itching to travel again. Being stuck in NJ is a major downer.

If I didn't have student loans to pay off, I would probably take what little money I have and just go backpacking somewhere. Or get a job on a cruise ship. Or learn how to sail, and then work on boats, sailing around the world. Or just WWOOF it up. Or, get a visa, go to Europe or Asia or Africa or South America or Australia, and work while there, little jobs, to have money to just get by. I hate being tied to one place by financial obligations.

So, back to the Peace Corps. The reason it has taken me so long to write this post is because of some majorly disappointing news I got while on my train trip (which, I just realized, I don't think I have detailed for you all! I will! Later!). Basically, because of a misread on the paperwork, instead of lifting my deferment or keeping it as is, they extended it until June. Which means, I probably won't be leaving until 2013, if I qualify for service at all. Hence, this post on rejection.

So, until then, I will be doing as many things as possible to keep myself busy. In fact, these past few months have FLOWN by, and in that time, I have decided to take some pre-med classes, see how I do, and, if I enjoy them and do well in them, pursue medical school.

It's a cliche, but I will close with it anyway. When one door closes, another one opens. Although in my case, I guess I can say I just don't have the key to the door yet, so I'm looking out the window.

I wish everyone a wonderful December! (I will write again before January. promise!)

Train to Chicago!

Hello everyone!

After an adventurous 48 hours on an Amtrak train, my friend Shaimaa and I made it to Chicago on Tuesday. We leave for another 27 hour train ride to New Jersey later today. I'm going to be sick of trains after all of this!

But in all honesty, it has been quite a ride, and quite a fun adventure for two 20-somethings. The train ride itself provided enough fodder for one blog post!

First, before even getting on the train, checking my bags turned into an adventure. It took me half an hour to get everything settled and paid for, and luckily, the train people are so much nicer than the airline people, because the first 3 bags are free, and then each bag after that costs $10, with up to three additional bags. This is a great policy for somebody who is moving her entire life from one coast to another! Well, in the process of checking them, I had to rearrange one piece of luggage (only one! I have definitely been stuck in airports before doing the juggling-weight-between-bags thing, and it is never fun), and the rest barely made it the under 50 lb range, but that was okay. The biggest thing was that I forgot to label the bags... all of them! And my grandparents had specifically reminded me to do so. Luckily, the woman gave me some tags, and everything worked out pleasantly, although the people behind me in line sure got a wonderful show! I even had somebody comment on it later when I was waiting in the Starbucks that is located within Union Station in Los Angeles. Life is funny.

Second, the train itself was causing a few problems throughout the trip. The train was 20 minutes late arriving to the station, which really wasn't too big of a deal to me, but then, about 20 hours into the trip, in Albuquerque, NM, we had to wait over an hour and a half to have the dining car removed from the train because there were some technical difficulties with it. The bright side of that is everybody received free breakfast, lunch, and dinner until the train arrived in Chicago because they had no way of properly feeding us.

Third, the people on the train were fascinating. There was a guy who kept talking about being a missionary in Mexico, and the police suspected him of being a drug smuggler, and the line "You can check my bags all you want, but all you will find is Bibles," may have been said by this gentleman at one point. He then detailed to a guy sitting near us how he illegally smoked cigarettes on the train by illegally cracking open a window so nobody is the wiser. The two men sitting behind Shaimaa and I also spent a good hour and a half bashing California. The conductor was pretty funny, always making silly remarks are engaging us in conversation or banter, so that made the time pass pretty quickly. Overall, the staff on the train were quirky, memorable, and altogether made the trip a lot more fun!

The worst part about the train was trying to sleep. It was uncomfortable the first night, where we were each confined to a seat, but the second night, I managed to score the set of seats in front of us, so we each had our own two seats to ourselves, and we slept much better. The seats went back by a 45 degree angle and had leg rests under the seat that came up with a button, making it almost like a bed. It was pretty cool and definitely a good thing when you are confined to a train for so long.

The best part of the ride, by far, was the scenery. We traveled from Los Angeles to Chicago, so on the way we hit California, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, and Illinois. There were so many different types of nature that floated past the windows of the train car as we made our journey: tall trees, desert lands with no trees, exposed rock on cliff faces, mountains, the Missouri River, the Mississippi River, and lots of rain. It was rather interesting to take a train through what are usually called the "fly-over states," and if I have the time, I think it would be fun to do again.

Yesterday, we explored almost everything the both of us wanted to see in Chicago. We are exhausted! While on the train I will type up on entry, and I will post it when I get home, with pictures.

Also, keep your eye out for my new "Picture of the Month" feature, starting this month.

Hope everybody has an absolutely wonderful weekend!

Question for all of you!

Would you like a monthly feature where I upload a picture from my travels, and then explain the story behind the image? This has the potential to be pretty awesome, but I'm not sure if enough people have interest (not that a lot of people follow this blog anyway).

So let me know in the comments! Thanks!

Moving On...

Two posts in two days?! Can it be?!

Actually, yes. I have a lot on my mind, and a lot planned for the next few weeks. What is a nice way to say that I am a really anxious person? But honestly, I'm always looking toward the future, always planning, always crossing my fingers that things will work out, willing things to fall into place just the way I want them... this is not conducive at all to the kind of lifestyle I enjoy, or want to live.

When I am thinking about it, I can live in the moment. Every other time, though, I'm always thinking, thinking, thinking about the future. About my journey through life. About money. About paying back student loans. About finding a job. About the people in my life, and if they are proud of me. If I am okay with my actions... and on and on and on. It is crazy-making sometimes.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I realized it all at once. It hit me as I was going through notebooks from my freshman year of college. First, I can't believe that was four years ago. Whoa. But yes, I came across a note that just stopped in the middle of the story, and I was so anxious, racking my brain, trying to remember this insignificant moment so that I could satisfy the resolution of the story in my imagination. Not such luck. I'm not the kind of person who looks for signs, but the realization just dawned on me that, hey, this is what my life is right now. I'm in the middle, I can choose how to end it and where it goes and how well I live it and tell it. It was a very writer-y life realization, but a big one nonetheless.

So yes, I am moving across the country. I am leaving in 4 days and I am downright, absolutely, completely, and utterly terrified. I do not want to leave Southern California in the slightest. I'm focusing on my plans for New Jersey, so that I don't have to think about actually living in NJ. Yes, I love my family and my friends that I left behind four years ago, and have sporadically visited since then, but I just feel right in SoCal, like I never, ever felt right in Bergen County.

It's funny, because it was the same feeling leaving Ireland. I didn't want to, because it just felt like the right place to be for me... but I did leave, and it ended up being a great year, for the most part. I'm excited for what NJ will bring, but I don't know. I think, for the most part, I will just be counting down the days as more and more Peace Corps information comes in. I think that's why I'm taking 4 classes at 2 different colleges, and interning in NYC, and hopefully (if this job I heard back on yesterday works out) working in NY state; doing all of this, so I can make the time go by faster. It was the reason I volunteered this summer; I am unbearable to even myself when I have my mind completely set on something that is out of my control. Thinking about it all day, with nothing else to occupy me, it's crazy-making.

So this blog ended up being more personal than anything else, but hey, hopefully a few people can relate to all of these wonderful feelings associated with traveling.

Have a great weekend!