Moving On...

Two posts in two days?! Can it be?!

Actually, yes. I have a lot on my mind, and a lot planned for the next few weeks. What is a nice way to say that I am a really anxious person? But honestly, I'm always looking toward the future, always planning, always crossing my fingers that things will work out, willing things to fall into place just the way I want them... this is not conducive at all to the kind of lifestyle I enjoy, or want to live.

When I am thinking about it, I can live in the moment. Every other time, though, I'm always thinking, thinking, thinking about the future. About my journey through life. About money. About paying back student loans. About finding a job. About the people in my life, and if they are proud of me. If I am okay with my actions... and on and on and on. It is crazy-making sometimes.

Anyway, I'm writing this because I realized it all at once. It hit me as I was going through notebooks from my freshman year of college. First, I can't believe that was four years ago. Whoa. But yes, I came across a note that just stopped in the middle of the story, and I was so anxious, racking my brain, trying to remember this insignificant moment so that I could satisfy the resolution of the story in my imagination. Not such luck. I'm not the kind of person who looks for signs, but the realization just dawned on me that, hey, this is what my life is right now. I'm in the middle, I can choose how to end it and where it goes and how well I live it and tell it. It was a very writer-y life realization, but a big one nonetheless.

So yes, I am moving across the country. I am leaving in 4 days and I am downright, absolutely, completely, and utterly terrified. I do not want to leave Southern California in the slightest. I'm focusing on my plans for New Jersey, so that I don't have to think about actually living in NJ. Yes, I love my family and my friends that I left behind four years ago, and have sporadically visited since then, but I just feel right in SoCal, like I never, ever felt right in Bergen County.

It's funny, because it was the same feeling leaving Ireland. I didn't want to, because it just felt like the right place to be for me... but I did leave, and it ended up being a great year, for the most part. I'm excited for what NJ will bring, but I don't know. I think, for the most part, I will just be counting down the days as more and more Peace Corps information comes in. I think that's why I'm taking 4 classes at 2 different colleges, and interning in NYC, and hopefully (if this job I heard back on yesterday works out) working in NY state; doing all of this, so I can make the time go by faster. It was the reason I volunteered this summer; I am unbearable to even myself when I have my mind completely set on something that is out of my control. Thinking about it all day, with nothing else to occupy me, it's crazy-making.

So this blog ended up being more personal than anything else, but hey, hopefully a few people can relate to all of these wonderful feelings associated with traveling.

Have a great weekend!