There are times in my life where the only thing I wanted to do was to resist the challenge of leaving, stay in comfort, and continue whatever little life I had made at that point in time…
I had no trouble whatsoever leaving New Jersey. I was a little apprehensive, but other than that, completely excited to start a new chapter in my life. It was scary, leaving everything and everyone I knew behind, going to a school 3,000 miles away where I didn’t know a single soul, didn’t know the correct “slang,” didn’t know anything. But it was an adventure and that is what I was looking for.
Now, the prospect of leaving this place haunts everything I do. I officially move out of Los Angeles and down to San Diego on August 10th. I officially move out of Southern California on August 28th. I officially return to New Jersey on September 2nd. I don’t want to do any of this (well, maybe San Diego, because it is beautiful, but I do, in all honesty, prefer LA).
Los Angeles has captured my heart and my soul. I love my family and friends on the East Coast, and I look forward to unlimited (sort of) time with them, but it is going to be a hard adjustment to make. I have fallen head over heels in love with Los Angeles. The city. The proximity to the beach. The transit system. The backdrop of the mountains to the skyscrapers. All of it. The good and the bad. The homeless and the people walking by them with their Coach purses and Manolo heels. Skid Row and Rodeo Drive. The acrid smell of downtown streets and the fresh, salty air of Santa Monica. All of it.
I do not want to leave. But I have to. And it makes me extraordinarily sad.
As sad as I am, I am also very excited to start a new life for myself, to show the people I grew up around how much I have changed, to really have people take notice of my skills and my intelligence and my passions.
Despite all of this, I know I am going to have days where I am absolutely miserable at home. I’m also going to have awesome days. It is hard to be rational and emotional at the same time.
A more concrete example: Leaving Ireland was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in my lifetime. I found love. I found friendship. I had immediately found people who just “got” me. I had never had that. I had companionship. And even though I’m glad I left when I did, both because of the experiences that came from leaving early, and the knowledge that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to leave, I’m still getting tears in my eyes writing about it.
The fresh air of Ireland. Not a single building above three stories (in Galway). Truly being on my own, to cook, to clean, to do laundry, to take care of myself. Truly feeling like an adult, like I had a responsibility to myself to make up for how juvenile I had been when I went to Germany as a freshman in high school. And Niall (HI! I know you read this sometimes!).
Falling in love in a foreign country is a downright dangerous thing to do. Leaving love in a foreign country can be even more dangerous, for your heart, for returning home, for your dreams and wondering what could have been if you had only had the courage to leave all of your attachments and follow your heart. Even though I am far too sensible for that, it still crosses my mind. Love so intense that it produces an eight-page poem that just keeps getting stanzas added on.
Falling in love for the first time in a foreign country is even more dangerous. I had never felt companionship like that. Being taken care of felt amazing. Waking up to see his face in the morning, smiling. Getting used to the feeling of warmth on your back as you cuddle, of always having somebody around who will do whatever you want to do because they want to see you happy, of having somebody to adventure with.
Facebook. Twitter. Letters. Email. Blog entries. We can still stay in touch, and yet we’ve moved on.
Goodbyes are a funny thing, because sometimes you think you have forever and you go slow, and sometimes the goodbye looms eminent, always threatening to pierce your happiness. Either way, they are always the hardest when you don’t want to let go, whether you have fallen in love with a person, or a place.
That is why I both love and kind of dislike airports. So many hellos after a long time apart, and so many goodbyes that leave the air heavy.
I hope your weekend is going well so far.
4 comments:
love youuuuuu <3
Haha Yeah I do.... You should follow me too see what sciencey stuff I post. Not so "from the heart" but
Niall, I do follow you silly! Also, I just came across a letter you sent while we were still going out, and you signed it, "Niall, no longer a grump" and I laughed out loud and needed to tell you that.
:-D
If only that were true, I think its ingrained in me!
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