Decisions

I've now made a relatively rough sketch of the next year:
- Jan-May: Take Gen Bio II, Gen Chem II, Gen Physics II, and Calculus, and try not to lose all motivation in the process.
- Mid-May (roughly): Trip to LA to see 1) my beautiful grand-little graduate and 2) everything and everyone that I miss and love more than they probably know.
- June-Aug: Take O.Chem I & II (oh, yes, over the summer. It will be loads of fun.)
- Aug or Sept (depending on the next part of this): Take the MCAT

So that's how life will be for the next 2/3 of a year, and then it can go one of two ways:
Plan A) Peace Corps will, at some point in the next few months, send me an invite to leave any time after mid-August.
Plan B) Peace Corps will decide that I am unable to serve for whatever reason that may come up. If this happens, I will be moving out of NJ, probably around December of 2013. I have a few ideas of where I'd like to go, but I know I need to get out of this state. Where I would like to move, in preferential order: 1) San Diego, 2) Los Angeles, 3) Anywhere else in California, 4) New York City, 5) Washington DC, & 6) Boston.

It is really starting to sink in that I may not get an invitation. This is something that I have struggled with over the past 2 years, as I have shown in this blog. As of this very moment in time, I am okay with that. It is hard to say goodbye to a dream, and reality can be harsh, but I won't let it get me down, especially considering that Peace Corps is opening up positions for Doctors in the future (sort of like Doctors Without Borders), which means I might be able to make this dream come true somewhere down the line. And there are a few alternatives, since, as I've stated before, I'd like some more "real world" experience before embarking on that long and arduous journey known as Medical School. I'm considering some AmeriCorps programs that are focused on health, as well as the Global Health Corps. If any of you readers know of any good programs, please let me know in the comments.

...

I want to explain why I want to leave New Jersey, if only in a short, and probably unsatisfying, way: NJ, to me, equals a stifling set of rules that I cannot adhere to. This is a purely psychological thing on my part. I grew up here. I was awkward and unhappy here. In all honesty, NJ represents my old self in a sense, where Los Angeles and Galway and Babati represent a new self. It's hard to explain if you haven't known me for more than around 4 years. With the traveling and exploring and growing that I have done, even in the past 2 years, something has clicked that I cannot quite put my finger on.

I don't know if it was a full sense of self-love, or the knowledge that I can do almost anything if I try hard enough, or the blossoming of my self-confidence, or the independence I hold onto with dear life, or maybe a little bit of all of this, but something has changed me for the better.

And being in NJ makes me feel like I am taking 9 steps backwards. This isn't where I belong.

I'm Not Quite Sure

Right now, I'm not quite sure why I am writing, or what I am doing, but all I know is I'm having this intense need to express to all of those who choose to read this...

At this point in my life, there are few things I am sure about, and even those could change. I am sure I want to get an MD. This is, in fact, the only true thing I am 100% sure about at the moment. It's been a long and strange path to that conclusion, but it's like I've been both attracted and repelled by the idea for years, without fully realizing it. I had such a calm come over me when I made the decision, that it was actually pretty scary.

I'm 90% sure that I want to have a child or children in the future. I posted about this on my facebook a few weeks ago, but I know that if I want to become a parent, I want to do it in a way that I feel is "right," and as an MD, I'm not sure I could devote the time and attention that a child needs or that I would like to give to a child, which is why I am not 100% sure.

I'm 75% sure that I want to spend a large portion of the next 10 or 20 years traveling. This really needs no explanation, except for maybe why it is as low as 75%, but that can be explained by my post about living in a small town, really.

I still want to spend some significant time working abroad before I go to Medical School, and not just to stand out as an applicant, but also to get some real world, on-the-ground experience with issues surrounding Global Health. Right now, I'm hoping that my Peace Corps nomination in "Health Education" holds up, and they send me somewhere where I can not only teach, but also help out in clinics in whatever way possible. I have, however, looked into alternatives to the Peace Corps that won't cost me my life savings. The Global Health Corps is starting to look like a really good option if the Peace Corps decides that I am not fit for service.

...

I constantly feel like I am doing too much, but not enough. I know that this is a strange phenomenon, but I know that it is not unique to me. In fact, I know a lot of people that feel this way.

I volunteer whenever I can. I do my schoolwork. I work two jobs. And it still feels like there is something I am forgetting to do, which I can never really find. It's a strange but interesting feeling.

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I live in a part of the country that was affected by Hurricane Sandy. People are both amazing and terrible, all at the same time. I have known this for a long time, but it still gives me pause.

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This has just become a collection of thoughts. Have a good weekend.