New Year's Resolutions

Normally, I try not to make a list of resolutions, because I know I will only be disappointed that I didn't do any of them in the end. But this year is different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, or put it into words, but I feel that these resolutions are not only possible, but also very plausible in the scheme of my life. Here they are, so you can hold me to them:

1) Be living somewhere aside from New Jersey by December 2013.  - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't want to be here. Whether it be abroad, San Diego, or NYC, I just want to be out of Jersey, for good.

2) Drink more coffee and less flavored drinks. - Now, this one needs some background to it. I am addicted to lattes. When I say this, I am not kidding. I drink an average of 2 a day, and spend over $50 a week at Starbucks alone. This has become a huge problem for me, so instead of going cold-turkey off of caffeine, I plan on downgrading to plain coffee, one sugar, and milk, rather than the Pumpkin Spice Latte or Caramel Brulee Latte that I drink every day. I wasn't kidding about being addicted. Not only will I be saving money, but I will be saving calories that can be used for other yummy things instead!

3) Reach out to people more often. - If you know me if real life, you know that I am a super sentimental person. This resolution is not for my friends, but for the people who I have had friendships with in the past, who are no longer considered friends, or for strangers. Listening to a random person share a story is a beautiful consequence of being surrounded by people you don't know. I want to hear everybody's stories. I want to reach out to old friends and let them know how much they have meant to me in life. I just want people to know how appreciated they are.

4) Start running again. - This has absolutely nothing to do with "looking good" and everything to do with "feeling good." I used to be in good shape, nothing major, but I was able to climb stairs without having to catch my breath at the top. Now, if I'm carrying books or if I have my backpack on, by the time I get to the top of the stairs, I'm huffing and puffing. I hate that feeling, and so I will resolve it.

5) Say what I mean. - I won't say yes if the intention isn't there, and I won't say no, just because I'm scared. I won't nitpick just to have something to say. I think this one will be the hardest, not only because I like to talk a lot, but I'm also somewhat of a people-pleaser.

6) Finish what I start. - This means the current B.S. in Biology that I started as a second degree, even though it is basically just a cover for some Pre-Med classes. This means finishing my DONA paperwork. I hate paperwork. This means actually working on my novel, instead of just letting the ideas for it sit in my head, too afraid of criticism to be put onto the page.

7) Make life simpler for myself. - I need to throw out or donate more clothing. I donated 8 bags (EIGHT!!) full of clothing over the summer, and I still take up two closets. This means going through paperwork I've had for years, and releasing it to the trash gods. This means de-friending mass amounts of people on facebook. This means making a schedule (especially for sleep), and sticking to it. This means not participating in gossip, not complaining, and overall not opening my mouth when it shouldn't be open. Let's see how this one works out for me, because I am the queen of complex.

8) Be less anxious. - This will be really hard to do, because I have an anxiety disorder (yay GAD!), but I drive myself nuts sometimes just thinking, thinking, thinking. I am going to sincerely try meditating daily. I've heard that it can work wonders, especially the better you get at it.

and last but not least (since nine is my favorite number)...

9) Write more. - I've obviously written a lot this month because I have time, and because the end of the year always happens to bring more inspiration. But I need to be proactive in finding inspiration. I need to not worry what people are going to say about what I've said. I need to practice my writing, so that I don't lose the skills I've built up through years and years and years of writing. I need to sit and practice, rather than wait for inspiration to strike. Writing is like breathing for me, but I need to do more of it, especially the deep stuff.

Friendship & Love

There was a Thought Catalog article posted recently about being able to tell when somebody really loves you. Reading this, of course, had me thinking about all of the things people have done over the years that show a true love within the friendship or relationship. To name a few:
- Rearranging her schedule to accompany me to a doctor's appointment that I was absolutely terrified of going into
- Flying across an ocean to see me
- Answering a tearful phone or Skype call, and speaking for over an hour
- Holding my hair back when alcohol got the best of me
- Sharing Netflix, beer, and a sleeping area with me
- Comforting me when I walk into work crying
- Showing me that bikini waxes don't hurt as much as I actually thought they did, by letting me be in the room with her during hers
- Cuddling with me, even when there was unfinished homework
- Messaging me, despite a nearly 5,000 mile physical distance between us
- Holding my hand during one of the hardest periods in my life I had to go through
- Encouraging me to pursue my dreams, even if it means being away and partially out of contact for stretches of time
- Noticing the little things that I say or do that mean that I am not okay

So what do all of these things have to do with traveling?

In a sense, these are the things that both compel me forward and hold me back. They hold me back and keep me here, because who wants to give up something this amazing? I have wonderful friends who love me for who I am, and how do I know they will still be here when I get back from traveling? Also because of these things. Because anybody who shows this much love, this much feeling towards someone, doesn't just let them fall out of their life. They may drift, but they wait patiently for the moment when the person may need them again.

All of the people described above are all special to me. They enrich my life. And some of them, I've gone for months without talking to, and still consider them a best friend, because of what we share.

Friendship and love are not about how much you see somebody, but about the feeling between you two. It's an unspoken, almost indescribable feeling of fullness between two people. Fullness that overflows into the space between you, whether it be a centimeter or one hundred thousands miles. Fullness that sits in silence, content to just exist. Fullness that envelops the unkind words spoken in anger, and shatters them. Fullness in the knowledge that, though the space may be empty, the love still exists.

Frustration

Whelp, this week has been one giant ball of frustration. I did poorly on my Biology test which means I will need a perfect score on the Final Exam to get an A in the class. I deactivated my facebook in a way, by handing over all of my log-in information to my brother, so I cannot access it until after December 17th, which happens to be the day of ALL of my finals. And I just had to re-do the Peace Corps application. Right now, I am slightly angry, but mostly just frustrated.

I can't give up on my dream. I refuse to.

Speaking of dreams, in a more literal sense, I had a dream last night that I got my Peace Corps Invitation, and it was for South Korea. That doesn't even make sense. Ha!

I wrote a blog entry last week but I didn't want to post it immediately after I had posted my last one, so I will probably put it up tomorrow.

Have a Happy Friday!